


These Pills Can't Help Me

by phan_trash_lolzor



Category: Phan
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Child Abuse, Depression, Drug Abuse, Medical Inaccuracies, Mental Health Issues, Other, Past Child Abuse, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-28 11:33:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 25,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10098716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phan_trash_lolzor/pseuds/phan_trash_lolzor
Summary: Daniel James Howel is a sixteen year old boy who has been abused by his parents for most of his life. His father is an alcoholic and his mother does anything her husband says.One day when things got too much, and his father broke his rib, Dan managed to escape. He ran to a Hospital, and told them everything. He is currently in Mrs.Lesters Foster home. Dan has a difficult time dealing with his emotions, he is a self-harmer...But where does Phil come into the picture...?* DISCLAIMER *I in no way, shape or form claim that these are the type of relationships Dan and Phil have. This is just a piece of writing, and something I made up for entertainment.





	1. Chapter One -

**Phil’s POV**

 

I struggle with the keys, and even drop them on the floor, before I finally open the door to my apartment. The smell of peppermints and yesterday's pizza welcome me into the empty, dark hallway. Wait what? Peppermints?  
Great.. I left a candle lit, again. This is yet another reason why i shouldn’t be allowed to live on my own. Me also being the world’s clumsiest person doesn’t help much either. Ugh…

So I place my groceries ( that consist of milk, cereal, oreos, noodle pots, a frozen pizza and ribena ) on the table. I blow the candle out and walk into the living room. I take my laptop off the coffee table and and curl myself up on the couch. Lions smirky face looks down at me from my shelf. I decide to go to my youtube comments, most of them are wonderful.  
“Great Video”  
“LOL omfg… So funny”  
“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha”  
And the bad ones, well I don’t tend to read those…. I haven’t exactly always been the most popular so I tend not to… I don’t know It’s difficult.

The next thing I know is that it’s dark and my phone is ringing. I guess I must have fallen asleep, so I walk into the kitchen (of course first I trip over a house plan, poor Garry).  
“Hello?”  
“Hi Philly.” It’s my mum’s warm voice, the one that always makes me feel better. “I have something to talk to you about.”  
My mother’s voice changes drastically.  
“Go ahead..”  
“Oh no, it’s nothing to discuss over the phone.” She pauses and I can hear her talking to someone, I think that someone is man considering the deep voice. “I was hoping I’d be able to visit you tomorrow, I’ll bring you cakes!”  
And that’s where she has me, food. Ha ha ha. “Of course. What time will you be coming?”  
“Around 3 o’clock. Bye sweetie!”  
“Bye mum”  
She ends the call.

I’m very curious was she wants to talk to me about, she visited me only last week. Maybe she’s concerned that I can’t take care of myself. I was actually considering maybe getting a roommate, maybe someone that’s studying here in Manchester. But it’s only an idea ; I’m not sure if anyone will want to live with me. :(

Oh no, I still haven’t done my youtube video today. I scramble into the bathroom and splash water onto my face. The cold liquid runs down my face and onto my hoodie. I take off my glasses and pop in my contact lenses. One…. In and two. There we go. I guess I’m going to have to change now. Not that it really matters, I think I will do “Another restless night”. I might have to work on the name a bit though. I doubt I’ll get much sleep considering the long nap, I mean what time is it? 11:47  
Where even is my camera, the last time I used it was… Huh, when was my last video? I should check my room first I think.

So I open my bedroom door and walk into my ‘youtube corner’. It’s basically where I keep my regular camera, vlogging camera, my light - which is kind of in the process of dying - my camera stand and a random houseplant. Not quite sure what it’s doing there… I grab my vlogging camera and throw myself onto the bed backwards. I press the button and begin to record.

“Hey guys!” I say brushing my fringe back with my hand. “So this is another sleepless night with Phil. I may or may not have fallen asleep on the couch… again. From like 5pm to 11:30pm.” I facepalm for the comic effect. “I'm kind of hungry, so let's go to the kitchen!”

I turn the camera off and walk into the kitchen, I place the camera down on the breakfast-bar and press record. “Okay, so I’m gonna make….. Cereal!” I turn to the cupboard and take out a bowl. “What? Oh ha ha… Let me guess, you totally weren't expecting that.” *cheeky wink*

 

 

 

**Dans POV**

 

My name is Dan Howell.  
I am 17 years old.  
I live in England.  
My parents abused me.  
I was taken away.  
My parents will stand up in court.  
I am afraid.  
I am weak.  
I am powerless…..

I breath in and out slowly and repeat these sentences in my head to try and grip onto reality. My head is pounding and I can ‘t sleep.  
The moon is shining through the light curtains and my belongings are scattered on the floor. Some clothes, my padlocked box, my phone (which i managed to get from a giveaway from my favourite youtuber, otherwise there would have been no way for a iphone), my new given clothes and my backpack. At this point i'm shaking so I decide to go through my list again and add to it.

My name is Dan Howell.  
I am 17 years old.  
I live in England.  
My parents abused me.  
I was taken away.  
My parents will stand up in court.  
I am afraid.  
I am weak.  
I am powerless  
I cut my thighs  
I burn my stomach  
I self harm….  
And I can’t stop

I get out of the bed and grip onto the locket around my neck, I open it and take out the key. I open my box. A layer of filk covers what I am searching for, multiple razors. I take one out and walk into the small bathroom that comes out from my room. A small rectangular rug lies on floor next to the shower. I sit down and place all of my razors around me taking the smallest one. I slide my pyjama bottoms down, there is a garden of cuts grows on my leg. I trace every cut. Remembering. Remembering the pain, and the relief. My demons must be released, they must go. It’s not like they won’t return soon, but for a while I will be ok. I cut and watch the blood begin to come, my torn flesh is turning a light pink. One cut, two cut, three cut, four. I lean back on the shower door and close my eyes.

I’m not sure how much time has passed but I turn the shower on. Shortly the bathroom is filled with steam and I climb into the shower. The hot water runs down my bruised spine. The memories of everything my parents did to me come running back, I open the shower doors, the floor is showered with water. I grab the first razor I see and slam the door shut. One cut, two cut, three cut, four.  
The blood flows down my leg and escapes into the drain.

It’s only now that I feel 100% clean.......


	2. Chapter 2 - the offer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *ヽ(◕ヮ◕ヽ) Yay!
> 
> I was so happy with the amount of reads I received on my previous chapter (around 85). Now I may not seem like much , but it is much more than I anticipated. So thank you so so so (so so so so so so so so so so so) much for reading.
> 
> Now in this chapter I tried to involve some 'Northern Slang'. (I looked up most of this stuff on the internet, so it may not be true) They might sound weird and end up being out of context but I tried my best so here you go...
> 
> 1) ‘anging (describing how disgusting an object is.)
> 
> 2) clocked (to see something)
> 
> Enjoy the chapter.......

**Chapter 2**

  
  
  
Phil’s POV

 

 I have just finished making my video. I'm finally sleepy, so I change into my pyjamas and take out my contact lenses. My covers are still in the living room, so I have to drag them over. I can’t wait to fall into a deep sleep. Sleeping has been something that used to keep me sane in the past. I was bullied a lot as a child, and when I didn’t want to deal with the world, well, I would just… Sleep. It became such a problem that my mum had me see doctors. I ended up being diagnosed with ADHD , but doctors weren’t sure if the too were linked.

I wake up to the sound of my alarm, which means it must be around ten. I still haven’t cleaned the house for mums visit ; I don’t even know if she is saying the night or not! Well, I think I will prepare the just room just in case.

I think I will start with the living room, I made quite a mess there yesterday. There is yogurt pots EVERYWHERE and random socks on the floor. Great. Well this is gonna be fun. So I take a bin bag from the kitchen and scrape all the yogurt into it. I also collect all the socks into my left arm and drop them into the laundry basket. I dispose of all the yogurt and start arranging the pillows. Next I need to tidy in the bathroom. Where there is also socks EVERYWHERE. WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL THESE SOCKS COMING FROM????!!!!So I take  those in into the laundry room  too and shove my moisturiser, toothpaste,  straightner and contact lense pot into the drawer. My room, the kitchen and the guest bedroom are all clean so I leave those for now. I still have to change the sheets though. But right now, it’s Breakfast time.

I make myself a slice of toast, and pour myself some orange juice. It’s already 12 and I’m not even dressed yet. Mum said she’ll be coming at three, which in her language means half an hour earlier ; so two thirty.  Suddenly my calculations are interrupted by a burning smell.  My toast. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

 

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

 

And the fire alarms is off. I take the toast out, burning myself first (of course) and then fetch the broom to turn the smoke alarm off. My ceilings are pretty high so I have to poke the smoke alarm for around ten minutes before it finally shuts up. Well my toast is useless now so I guess a breakfast bar will have to do. I eat it up in three bites and chug down my orange juice. Back to my chores. Ugh.

I go to my creepy laundry room and take out the spare sheets. They’re white with blue swirls, fun fact my mum actually got them for me. I guess they should be suitable for her to sleep in. Well no, you can’t sleep IN sheets… Errr, I'm not really sure what I was trying to say in the first place. I should probably just hurry up and put these sheets on. Then I should have enough time to edit the video.

  


********

 

At last I have finished! It’s 12:30 so I should have enough time to edit my video. I grab my laptop and sit at the desk in my room. I need to make sure that there is nothing that could distract me. Once my mum is here I won’t have much time, unless I do another all nighter that is. Which probably isn’t a too good idea. Hahaha! So I open my simple editing app and begin. I insert some firework effects, add some filters and realise I never did my ‘Draw Phil Naked’. I quickly turn on my camera. “Hello!” I wave. “ I forgot to do my Draw Phil naked before but anyway today's Draw Phil Naked is…..”

I turn the camera off and upload the footage I just recorded to my computer. I just have to choose a picture and… I am interrupted by a ring on the door. My mum is here! Yay. I run to the door and open it.

“Hello Philip” My mum exclaims, pulling me into a hug.

“Hi Mum, come in” She has a suitcase which must mean that she is staying the night. “Would you like me to take that?” I ask. She replies with a simple nod. I drag the suitcase up the stairs and lead my mum into my apartment. I open the door and we go  into the guest bedroom.

“Oh you did use the sheets I got you”

“Hahaha, Yeah” I ‘park’ the suitcase in the corner of the room. “Are you hungry?”

“No, not really. I’m feeling quite ‘anging really.”

“Oh. Are you s….”

“Your dad cooked dinner yesterday” We both laugh.

“Alright then, let’s go into the living room, you wanted to talk to me about something, right?”

“Yes, come on then let's go” We  sit opposite each other. Mum is sitting in the armchair and I’m sitting on the couch. There is a minute or so of awkward silence between us until my mum finally speaks.

“Well Phil, I have a bit of an offer for you” She takes a file out of her handbag. “But first I would like to tell you about Dan, Dan Howell. He’s been at WildShire Hospital for 2 months now.”

“Ooookay” I’m not really sure what all f this is going to lead to but I listen anyway.

“Dan is 16 at the moment. He, has had a bit of a hard time you know. His father is an alcoholic and his mother, well she agreed with anything her husband thought. Anyway I’m getting past the point. Dan’s parents have abused him for most of his life ; both physically and mentally.”

“Oh my god, that’s terrible.” I say.

“Yes, it is isn’t it. It got so bad that his dad ended up breaking his rib, that night Dan ran away from home. He ran to a hospital near him and told them everything. Then he ended up at my foster home. Since he would be seeing his parents in court they had to have him moved far away. I have clocked that he has  been very miserable and everyone there is much, much younger and… Well that’s where you  come in.” My mum take a deep breath, and I am still VERY confused. “Dan will move in with you and you will sort of be roommates and get paid for it. If you agree of course” I am absolutely speechless. I most definitely was not expecting that. “And, what do you say?” she asks.

“Well, I ummn” I  have no  idea how to respond.

“Don’t worry Phil” She takes my hand. “I understand that you need some time to think about this,  but… I can only give you until Monday.” That gives me two days to decide. I did say that I wanted a roommate but, this isn’t exactly it. But this way I could help someone, I could make a change. And it would be a good source of money, one that would allow me to still put plenty of time into my youtube videos. My thought track suddenly stops. My mum is looking at me with a worried expression on her face.

 

“Could you erh, maybe give me some details” I finally ask, my mum smiles.

“Well your job will be to make sure that Dan makes it to all of his therapy sessions, doctor appointments and meetings with his lawyer. You will also have to make sure he eats four meals a day and takes all of his medicine.”

“That sounds kind of complicated, I don’t know if I can manage that much responsibility” I  stagger.

“Phil.”My mum begins while bringing me into a hug. “Of course you can manage, you are a wonderful young man. You and Dan have a lot in common. I’m sure you will get along very well.” I look up at her and feel like the seven year old I used to be. “If I agree.”

“If you agree”

I love my mum, she always know how to make everything better. We spend a while just sitting there and then I suggest we turn on a movie. We end up going for a disney classic, Snow White.

 

It is 5pm by the time we finish, and at this point even my mum is hungry so we order a pizza, aka possibly the best food ever created. ◕‿◕ I cannot wait for it arrive, it’s from my favourite restaurant in Manchester : Grey maple. And no, I don’t know what the place has to do with maples. But the food is delicious. While we wait mum is filing in some paper work and I have gone to my room to finish editing and think about the whole Dan thing. I turn my laptop on once again and edit in the drawing at the end. Aaaaaaand, done. Finally.

I go to youtube and upload the video. Finally I can think about the whole situation with Dan Howell. I decide to do it in the bath. I go to the bathroom and run a hot bath. Part of me is worried that the food will arrive before I’m done with the bath, but the place is quite far away. So I should be good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that! Please let me now if you have any constructive criticism in the comments. 
> 
> P.S. I'm very sorry about the awkward double space between paragraphs, I write these in google docs and it doesn't transfer very well.


	3. Chapter Three - The Home of Thy Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Chapter Three of TPCHM (These Pills Can't Help Me). I am very sorry that I haven't been uploading new chapters but I have been away and not had time to write new chapters. 
> 
> Please enjoy! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

**DAN’S POV**

  
  
  


I don’t want to go down and have breakfast with everybody downstairs, they’re all little kids. I’m the first over 13 year old they have had, as Mrs.Lester likes to constantly remind me. Don’t get me wrong, she is very nice (and probably the only person I like here apart from the cook and two of the little ones) but I’m kind of tired of hearing it. I know I’m weird. I know i’m different. And I don’t need to be reminded that.

However if I don’t go down for breakfast they will be having me see the therapist. Ugh…

I’m just so bloody sick of this place. I have to admit thought, it is a lot better than living with…. Them.

 

******************

 

At breakfast we all have to sit around a rectangular table. I usually help the very little ones get ready for school in the morning, there so adorable. I am considered ‘mentally unstable’ so I have been taken out of school. I guess it’s a good thing, I don’t have to deal with those bullies. But, I do wish I had a chance to finish my education. Only two more years, and then I’ll be free, hopefully. Today we have pancakes, because it’s a Saturday. I sit next to a small, ginger girl called Annie and a blond boy about her age called Alfie. They’re the little ones I was talking about. The only ones that don’t annoy me. They are both 5, and are youngest ones here. Ok I’m not a stalker I just may or may not have looked through their paperwork when Mr.Alan left me alone in the office. He literally left it just on the table. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Don’t judge me.

Annnnnnyway… Annie’s mum was a drug addict and her dad was in jail. So I guess we sort of have a similar case. Hopefully, I mean if my parents go to jail that is. And Alfie’s a  orphan ; both of his parents died. They both came here when they were babies, and they have been best friends their whole lives. It’s kind of cute. Who am I kidding it’s sooo cute!

 

I wish I had a friend like that, someone who I could tell everything. Sure I’ve had friends but never a best friend, and all of them left me after a while. When they really got to know me. And when they learnt what a terrible person I am.

They left me…

Oh no, the demons are attacking. No, no, no! I have to keep my sh*t together. Breath Dan.

 

In 

And out

In 

And out

In 

And out

 

“Dan! Dan! Hello, Dan can you hear me?” I’m lying on the floor and Andrew - one of the social workers - is right in front of my face, shouting my name. 

“What the hell happened” I ask.

“You phanetid” Annie says

“We were scared” adds Alfie in a much clearer way.

I’m slightly worried at this point. “Yeah mate, you like just like suddenly fell to like the floor, you know” the annoying blob Andrew says. I want to scream at him, but I contain myself. 

“Can I, please stand up?” I ask weakly.

“Oh yeah sure” 

Andrew grabs me by the arms and pulls me up he then hits me in the back and tells me to go get some rest. At least I don’t have to go throught breakfast. I'm surprised how much it didn't move him that I randomly fainted, and that he just sent me up to my room. I basically drag myself upstairs and flop onto the bed.  I watch the fan on the ceiling go round and round in circles until my head begins to hurt. I’m not sure how much time has gone by but there is a knock on my door. “Come in” I yell.

Alfie and Annie walk in. Instantly a smile appears on my face. “You need to clean here, it’s stinky!” giggles Annie. 

“Come on, it’s not, that messy!” I reply, looking around the room.”Okay, okay fine. I need to clean in here”I laugh, raising my hands above my head as if I’m surrendering. They’re both set into laughter.

“Can you play with us?”Alfie asks.

“Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!”They say in a chorus.

“Hmmmmn….”I pretend to wonder. 

“Please!?”

“Okay fine let’s go”

We head outside, into the gardens. I never go outside unless I’m with the kids. 

 

In the far left corner there is a flower patch, on the right there is a climbing frame. And dead in the center there is a parting between the trees - that’s where we usually go. It’s really cool, and they like to pretend that it’s a dark forest. Annie and Alfie are both knights and I'm Princess Dan. Cringey, yeah yeah. Whatever. 

“Okay Princess Dan, now that we’ve rescued you, you must marry Prince Sherman.”Alfie says. I think about how I should respond for a second. “What if Princess Dan doesn’t want to marry the Prince”

“But… Why wouldn’t she?” Annie asks quietly. 

“Well, maybe because..” I stop to think. “She is secretly in love with Alfie the knight” 

Alfie looks very surprised after I say this, I grab his hands and start dancing in circles with him. He starts giggling. I grab him from under his armpits and spin him around in the air. Next I take Annie and do the same with her, throughout this process both of the are giggling merrily.  “So, are we going to have to have a sweekwet wedding?”Annie asks with excitement. 

“Yup, and I think you’ll be the one holding it. Now let me go and pick my dress” I say in a posh, high pitched voice.

“Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay”they both scream and run into the trees, I’m not worried though, there is a mud kitchen there. I follow them in, moving the long leaves out of the way as I go through the entrance. At the center of the room, lies a wooden table which is connected to a water pump. Then there is a small cupboard where we keep all the ‘food’ we make. The walls are decorated with their colourful drawings. Some of them contain scenes of us playing, some show ‘magical animals’ as Annie says and the others are scribbles that I can’t make out as anything.  And yeah, I know it’s kind of lame that I spend my time hanging out with 5-year-olds. But, they’re all I have. I’m just glad that the people at school don’t know… That could have been terrible.

 

“Okay Dan. Would you like chocowat or swarberry cake?”Annie asks me.

“Hmmmmmmmm, I think Princess Dan would like, chocolate cake.”I respond.

“Okay”Annie says and goes to the mud pit to collect some mud. 

“Dan?” Alfie asks me.

“Yeah?”

“Why did you come here?”

“Why did I come here?”

“Yes, why did you come here? Violet came here because her mommy couldn’t take care of her, David came here because his Daddy had to go to prison so there is no one to take care of him. Why are you here?” There are tears in his eyes, and probably in mine too… I have idea what to tell him, the truth? No, that would scar him for life. But I can’t lie to him.

 

“Well, my mum and dad, they… They didn’t know how to take care of me. They didn’t do it properly and..” I take a deep breath. “They ended up hurting me.”

Alfie runs into my arms and hugs me, he looks up and says. “No one can hurt you here.”

I start balling out tears, nothing can stop me now. 

“I know, I know Alf” I say.

 

“I’ve got the mud!” Annie comes in and says innocently. “Wait, why are you crying?”

I wipe the tears away. “It’s nothing, I was just telling Alf a story”

Come on, what else was I supposed to tell her?

 

“Alright, come on , let’s get up” I say holding Alfie’s hands and pulling him up to his feet.

“Alright let’s go” he says laughing again, as if our whole ‘moment’ never happened. But he’s only little, he has other things to worry about.

 

We help Annie prepare a ‘cake’ like structure out of the mud and place it in the cupboard. We soon hear Mrs.Lester’s voice, telling us to come inside for lunch, which also means she’s back. I think I might want to talk to her, especially about the conversation I had with Alfie, I want to make sure that I said the right things. 

 

“Come on guys, we have to go eat”

“Okay dan” Says Annie.

“Let’s go” Adds on Alfie.

And so we go! We leave the shed and walk into the dining hall where the cook is placing the food. It’s ‘Sausage Sunday’ so we’re having peas, mash and obviously sausages. Apparently it’s one of the cooks specials, and I can’t disagree. I sit in the seat at the very end of the table so that I can avoid having to sit next to anyone. 

“Here you go chum”The cook says smiling at me and passing my medication along with my sausages. 

“Thanks” I respond.  

She goes on to pass the sausages from plate to plate. I count the amount of full seats - 19. Which means someone is missing. Eve, right. That blob of a social worker Andrew did mention about her going to visit her dad or something. I read her files and found out that her mother raised her as a single mum, and her dad didn’t know about her existence until a year ago. Her mother died when a man jumped off a bridge when trying to commit suicide and fell on her. He survived, but that’s not even it, turns out.. The man was her dad and he’s trying to gain parenting rights. It sounds like something from a movie, this world really is small isn’t it….

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks you for reading and I hope you enjoyed. Feel free to leave any comments and kudos.   
> I'm sorry for the awkward double space between the sentences, I write these on google drive and then paste them onto here.
> 
> Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! ◉◡◉


	4. Chapter 4 - Decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! 
> 
> Now I just want to make something clear, I know that PJ Liguori is 26 (which would make him 16 in this phanfiction). But I need you to imagine that he is 21ish. Just wanted to put that out there so that there isn't any confusion. 
> 
> HOPE YOU ENJOY!!

Phil’s POV  
.....................

 

 

My mum is gone and I have one day to decide about Dan, it’s a lot of responsibility after all and I don’t want to mess things up for him. I can barely take care of myself! I’ll have to give him his medication, make sure he eats three good meals a day, help him calm down if he has a panic attack or nightmare and be prepared to not sleep sometimes. AND I would still have to make my videos and school.

I could make youtube a side thing again, but I can’t let down my viewers like that. I receive so many messages telling me how I help some people, I keep them going. I’m not quite sure how, I mean, I’m just Phil, but I do. Somehow I do. And I need my degree. 

But maybe, maybe I should help Dan. I can only imagine how horrible it must be to treated like he was and then be stuck in a foster home with no one but my mum, a bunch of therapists and social workers and little kids. With no one really to talk to…

 

Goosebumps appear on my skin as I drift out of my daydream. What Dan is going through now is kind of like me in school, Dan definitely has lots of friends though. Just, outside of the foster home. I wonder if he can keep in touch with them, I know that some kids have to leave their entire past behind, including friends. 

*Beep*

I get a message from PJ.

PJ: Hi Phil! We still on for today? (づ ￣ ³ ￣ )づ

I think for a moment, should I still go? We were meant to be going to a new arcade here in Manchester. I think I should though, maybe I need to not think about the boy for a while ; and think about me. So I respond:

Me: Yeah

Me: What time do you want to meet?

PJ: Around 5ish would be good for me. I’ll meet you at yours. 

Me: Great! :) See you then 

 

I FINALLY get off the couch and go shower. I need to wash my hair now so I can straighten it in time. Ugh… I actually hate straightening it but it’s the only thing that makes it look good. I literally have no idea what to do with gel and usually end up looking like a skunk. Fun fact - skunks can survive snake bites.  
They’re actually really cool!

I turn the shower on (and somehow manage to avoid getting wet - YAY - ) and start to take my clothes off. I’ll probably just wear my Buffy tshirt , black jeans and my trainers to the arcade. It will be dark there anyway. And come on, my Buffy shirt is pretty snazzy.  
I’m sorry, I’ll never say that again, I promise! Hahahaha. 

I step in and let the hot water run along my back, I pick up some shampoo and start to rub it into my scalp. I then slide my fringe out of the way and walk out. My wet feet snuggle into the furry carpet on the floor. I grab a towel, dry myself and then get dressed. I grab my phone to check the time, it’s 3:57. I should probably straighten my hair and then grab a snack. My straightener is in my drawers, so I have to take it out. I plug the thing in and let it heat up while I dry my hair. 

Into the kitchen I go, hopefully I won’t burn whatever I have. Just in case, I go for a sandwich (which even I can’t mess up). Two slices of bread, lettuce, tomato and ham. Perfect. I take my sandwich into the living room, turn the tv on and watch Dr.Who while eating. Dan pops back into my head as I see a file with the foster homes logo on it. Mum must have left it when she was going through her files. What in the world will I do about Dan? I still don’t know. I want to help but… I’m not sure if I can. Mum thinks I can do it, maybe I can? Maybe I’m more capable than I think.  
I think I’ll ask PJ what he thinks, he’s my friend after all. Then again I don’t want to ruin the night for him. He was so excited!

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh… 

Why is this so complicated?!

I’ll just go and wash the plate, if it feels right I’ll tell him. Let’s just end it at that. I wash the plate and put it away. PJ will be at my apartment anytime now, so I should probably put my shoes on. Blue trainers, that will have to do. I hear a knock on the door, it must be PJ. I open it, and yup, it’s him.

“Hello”he says smiling.  
“Hya, let me just grab my coat and we can go.”  
“Perfect”

I walk back into the corridor and take my coat off the hook. We step outside, the cold breeze runs along my neck. I pull my collar up. We get into the cab.  
“Bell Arcade please” PJ tells the driver.  
“Sure thing”The driver responds. “Had a good day then?”  
“Yes it’s been alright, you?”  
“Very good, thank you. Any music you’d like me to play?”  
“Erh, nah. Surprise us please! Hahaha.” PJ jokes.

The driver puts on ‘Umbrella’. Me and PJ make a few polite jokes with the driver before we finally arrive at the arcade. The building looks very cool with fountains at both sides of the entrance. It almost feels too fancy for an arcade, but once we go inside I’m reassured. Everything looks just as it would in a normal arcade and there are no fountains, marble floors or chandeliers. Turns out the thing was built in and old hotel building, so it’s huuuuuge. I love it.

“Well then, where should we go first?”I ask, when I realise PJ is already getting us tokens. Alright then, he seems very eager today. Or maybe I was just taking a very long time to look around. Hahaha, either way, I should probably join him now. 

A lighted path leads to the counter, the man serving PJ looks around 40. He has short brown hair and ice like eyes, that look like they want to pierce right through you. His nametag says “Oliver Oil”, which is very funny if you ask me. Oliver oil, haha. Who would name their son Oliver Oil.

“Alright then, so that will be two starter packs. Correct?” Oliver says to PJ.  
“Yes, thank you.” PJ responds as he collect two boxes from the man.  
We walk away and I ask him for the price of the packs, but of course, being his usual self he refuses and says:

“Don’t be ridiculous Phil, my treat.”  
“Alright then.”I sigh. “Let’s go”  
“I say PACMAN and then BOOM BOOM ROCKET!”Champ  
“Okay, but PLEASE calm down”I laugh

We insert the coins into the machine and start to play, the colourful pacman logo flashes on the screen. Nothing beats Pacman Championship, especially with PJ. We end up playing 3 rounds, I win 2 and PJ wins 1. So that’s 1 point to Phily in the ‘Arcade Championships of PJ VS Phil’. Hahaha.

“Ahh, god dammit Phil! This means I have to beat you at Boom Boom Rocket.”PJ jokes.  
“That will be a hard task for you.” I laugh hugging my non-existent muscles.  
“Omg Phil, can I have your autograph, please?”  
“Nah sorry, I don’t do autographs.” I say and walk over to the weird rocket game PJ wanted us to play. Now, I’ve never played it so PJ has a slight advantage.

“So how the hell do I play this?” I say picking up the weirdly shaped controllers.  
“Hahahahahahahahahahaha”PJ laughs. I’m very confused as to why he is laughing.  
“What? Why are you laughing at me?”  
“Well Phil, first of all your holding the controller upside down, and secondly you’re standing on the seat.” I look down, and sure enough , I’m standing on a weird red circle that stands up like 20 centimetres off the ground. PJ walks up to the machine and presses a button, the platform underneath me suddenly shoots up.  
“Ahhhhhh! PJ? Are you trying to kill me?”I shout, okay fine more like scream. A few people are now staring at me but Pj helps me down from the monster that is the seat.  
“Calm down, I wasn’t trying to kill you, hahaha. Here let me help you…” PJ says while flipping the controller so it is no longer upside down. He shows me how to play and explains the basic idea of the game. It’s actually fairly easy, and reminds me a lot of guitar hero. The aim is to trigger these fireworks and make them explode. Obviously PJ won so that meant he got the tokens.

We started off with 500 tokens each, now I have 525 and PJ has 525. Each round of the Pacman game was worth 10 tokens, and each game of Boom Boom Rocket was worth 5 tokens. We played 3 rounds of Pacman (2-1) and 5 rounds of Boom Boom Rocket (1-4). So at the moment, we have a draw. 

“PJ can we go and grab something to eat maybe?”  
“Erh, yeah sure. Where do you wanna go?”  
“There’s a fish and chips place near here, we can take it to my flat.”  
“Okay, sure“  
“I’m paying though.” I say and make my way to the exit, there is no point getting the taxi and I don’t know the bus timetable for this area so we walk. The pebbles on the road glisten in the moonlight as the raindrops slowly fall upon them, the trees are dancing in the breeze and the stars are shining in the sky. 

The windows of the take away place are covered in raindrops. We walk inside and I walk over to the counter, PJ takes a seat at one of the tables. “Two medium portions of fish and chips please.” I say to the woman serving me. Her sandy blonde hair rests around her head like a lion’s mane.  
“Would you like it take-away?” She asks to which I nod. “Okay great, that will be eight-pounds-fifty”  
I give her the money and join PJ at the table to wait. I sit in silence for a while as he does something on his phone. “PJ?”I begin.  
“Yes?” he responds.  
“I want to talk to you about something…”  
“Okay? Go ahead.” he says putting his phone down on the table. I have no idea how to begin, what am I supposed to say. Hey, by the way I’m thinking of looking after a sixteen-year-old. Well, I guess that’s what I’ll have to say. :(  
“IthinkImaystartlookingafterasixteenyearoldboywhoneedsalmost24hourcarebutIdon’tknowifIshould!” I say, and then take a deep breath.  
“You what?”PJ questions. “Please repeat and slowly. I’ll start from the very beginning and tell him everything. Simple, right?

 

“I think I should just tell you everything from the beginning.”I finally say.  
“Sure, okay.”  
“Well, my mum came to visit me yesterday, she left this morning. And, well.s she sort of gave me an offer…”  
“An offer? And what exactly does that mean?”PJ questions, looking at me suspiciously.  
“You know how she has a foster home?”  
“Yeah…”  
“Well they have a new boy called Dan there, and basically… I will look after him and get payed in return.” I pause waiting for PJ to say something, I can feel the sweat dripping down my forehead.  
“So, you want to be like a foster parent? How old is this boy”  
“No no no, it’s completely not like that.” I try to explain. “And he’s sixteen”  
“Oh, I was expecting him to be like a child.”  
“Yeah, well erh. That’s why my mum thinks it would be good to have him out of there.”  
“So please tell me, what is this like?”PJ asks. I’m not sure what I would be to him. A roommate? A caretaker? A stranger?  
“Dan, Dan Howell he erhh, has a bit of a past.”  
“What do you mean? Philllllll?”  
“Well, he , his….”  
“Two medium portions of fish and chips”Interrupts the waitress, and thank god. I grab the bags and dash for the door. I can hear PJ telling me to wait but I continue into the street, only stopping once I reach the crossing.  
“Phil, wait up! What the hell was that?” PJ shouts while finally catching up with me. He puts his hand on my back.  
“Let’s get to your place and you can explain, alright?”  
I nod in agreement. I think I’ll just show him the files my mum left me, but wait, isn’t that stuff like confidential. Huh?

We manage to walk in silence without making it too awkward but then PJ says we’ll have to catch a bus. Turns out his mum used to work around here so they would take the bus home from here after school. When his mum was working late that is. 

The only people at the bus stop are me, PJ and another boy who looks around our age. 

*beep*

I turn my phone on, to see who the message is from.

Mum: Good Evening Phil, just wanted to ask if you have made a decision yet. Don’t stress if you haven’t, but I do need an answer from you tomorrow. You could look through the files I left you if you want. Love, Mum.

I don’t want to respond, and what am I supposed to say anyway. I wonder if she’s told dad about this, no that’s silly. Of course she would have. They hardly do anything without telling each other, plus, this is important. It changes, A LOT. 

“It’s a nice evening , isn’t it?” the guy standing next to us says.  
“Yeah it’s lovely.”I say, since PJ doesn’t look like he’s gonna say anything. He’s standing with his hands in his pockets and he’s looking down at his feat. 

“I’m Chris, by the way” He says shaking my hand.  
“I’m Phil, nice to meet you.”  
“So do you live around here?”  
“Erh, no we just came to get some food.”I explain holding up the bag. We talk until the bus comes and exchange numbers. Once we arrive at my place PJ finally starts to talk again. 

 

“Give me the food, and you go get the cutlery.” he says, taking the bag. I walk into the kitchen and take the knifes and forks. I think I finally know what to say to PJ…

So I turn the lights off in the kitchen and walk into the living room. PJ had opened the food and placed it on the coffee table.  
“Here.” I say, giving him his knife and fork.  
“Are you ready to talk then?”He asks me, looking very concerned.  
“Yes” I say before I manage to think. I look down at my food and pop a chip into my mouth. “Where did I leave off?”  
“Umm..”he stops to think. “Oh, right… You started saying how he has a ‘bit of a past’. But then the waitress interrupted”

“Oh right, okay then” I take a deep breath. I don’t understand how mum can talk about this so calmly, I guess she’s used to it. “Dan was mentally and physically hurt by his parents. They, they would, his dad would,” I stagger, i can feel tears building up in my eyes.  
“Phil.”PJ puts his hand on my arm. “You don’t have to..”  
“I want to, I need to.” I wipe the tear away. “His dad broke his ribs, Dan, he ran away.” I take another deep breath, but it’s easier now. It’s easier once you begin. I tell him everything about Dan, everything I know at least. 

“Wow, that’s terrible.” PJ says. “And this started after…”  
“After his sister died, yes”  
“I don’t get how someone can do something like that!”  
“Neither, apparently his parents blamed his for her death” 

I look down at my food, it’s all cold by now. “Let me reheat these.” I take our food to the kitchen and put it in the microwave. I need some time to breath… To calm down. “I’m just going to go to the bathroom!” Pj calls out from the living room. This gives me a chance to sneak onto the balcony. I grab the door handle, which is very cold. A ray of goosebumps is sent down my body. My warm breath makes the glass steam up. A small grin manages to escape my mouth. I give the door a push, the moon is casting a charm over the sleeping Manchester. There is no one in the streets apart from a few people coming back from work, or only just going to work. 

I sit down on the chair and start fiddling with my watch. What am I going to to? I burry my face in my hands and brush my hair back. I’m 21! I’m supposed to be thinking about university and jobs not, not… Well this. I start to cry, cry like a little girl, cry like I would in school, cry like a pathetic little creature. The tears are pouring down my cheek and onto my hands.

Suddenly I feel a hand on my back. “The foods done.”Pj croons. I look up at his lit up face.  
“I’ve made a decision.”I say, my voice is shaking.  
“You have?”  
I nod… “I’m going to………

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed. This chapter took my slightly longer to write as it is much longer. In previous chapters there were around 1500 words but this one has 2950ish. 
> 
> Sorry for leaving you on a cliff hanger! Hahaha


	5. The Choice Has Been Made - Chapter 5

**DAN'S POV**

 

It’s 2am on a Monday and I can’t sleep. Typical. 

But luckily AmazingPhil has posted a new video, ‘Sleepless night with Phli’. Seems kind of perfect, considering the facts. I click the video and hear Phil’s warm voice greeting me. I hug my pillow tighter and watch.

The video is great, just like his videos always are, just like he is!

 

I haven’t checked in with the world in a while, I might do that. I grab my phone and load up facebook. Nothing new there except for, oh , I’ve been tagged in a photo… I click on the link and I’m taken to Marcus Faye’s page. The picture turns out to be a bunch of boxes with captions like, the funny one, the hot one, the smart one and stuff like that. But Marcus drew in another box. ‘The unwanted one’. And that’s where I’m tagged. I look at the comments, which I know isn’t a good idea. 

Molly Huckle : O my lol Dan howl you shuld be glad u evn made it on there i wuld hv put ya straight in the trash

Justin Meven : Damn right that fag dan howell is unwanted

Sadie Taylor: Hahahahaha lol, omg.

Jessy Parj : ye @JustinMeven your right he should straight up end himself

 

The last comment has me tagged in it along with a link, should I click it? What will it be this time? How will they torture me this time?

My hand is shaking, but I manage to copy the url and a website pops up. “How to cut… your vein” I read out loud. I drop the phone on the floor and crumple down shaking. I put my hands against the bed to help myself down slowly. Of course,  their right! I am unwanted, I am worthless… I should kill myself. A tear drops down onto the screen. I wipe it off and take my box, or what’s inside. This time I don’t even bother going to the bathroom. I do it right here, anyone could walk in, BUT I DON’T GIVE TWO SHITS. They’ll send me to a nut house or get me more therapy, it doesn’t matter. I don’t matter.

 

I bring the metal to my skin, one move and it could all be over. I could be free, free from this world and these demons. It’s not like anyone would care. 

I pull on my hair, I want to scream.  But I can’t, I don’t want to wake them. No one should have to know about how much of a psychopath I am. I can deal with myself on my own.

I slide the metal down my arm, the blood begins to slowly ooze out. Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip and fall. The first drop lands on the floor. Slice, the second cut appears on my upper arm. Suddenly I feel disgusted, I throw the blade onto the floor and run into the bathroom. I run the tap and unroll the a roll of toilet paper. I place my arm in the sink bit after bit. It stings like hell. But I don’t want to get it infected or something like that.

The room starts moving and I feel a pain in my head. My left leg fails me and I fall onto the floor.

  
  


“Hello, Dan? May I come in?” Is the first thing I hear after that. The light coming from the window is no longer the familiar moonlight but the light of day, the light of the sun. I realise I should probably respond before Mrs.Lester comes in and sees me on the floor covered in blood. 

“Not just yet, I’m getting changed” I call out and finally stand up. 

“Alright meet me in my office, we can chat and have breakfast together there.”

I don’t recognise myself in the mirror at first, my face is covered in dry blood and the bags that always live under my eyes are much, much darker. I need to get this all off me! 

 

I start with my face, which I submerge in the water, I keep it fully under until I can no longer breath and the liquid around me has turned from the normal ‘transparent’ colour to vermilion. I refill the sink and dip my arm. My shirt has stuck down to me chest so I’ll need to soften it down. I step in the shower and let the cold water pour all over me. I only realise now that I still have socks on, I don’t mind that much though.

After I get out I rip the socks off, peel off the shirt and take my pyjama bottoms off. I take a new set of jeans and put them on. I’ll need to go into my room to get a jumper but first I wrap a thick layer of toilet paper around my arm. Once I do finish doing that I head downstairs. I have no idea what time it is but no one seems to be around, I guess they’re all at school.

Mrs.Lester’s office is on the ground floor and right next to the garden. She has two huge windows, one looks out on the garden and the other into the fields, you can even see a bit of sea sometimes. It’s very calming actually.  I knock on the door and wait for a response, which comes almost straight away.

 

“Come on in Dan”

I push the door open and walk in, at this point we don’t have any formalities like her allowing me to sit down or stuff like that. I just walk in and sit on a beanbag in the corner. It’s where I’m the most comfortable.

 

“Okay Dan, nice to see you. Here’s your cereal.” She says passing me my breakfast. I take it and begin to eat it straight away, I didn’t realise I was even hungry. 

“So, I know your time here so far hasn’t been the most enjoyable, you don’t really have anyone your age here and…”

I put my cereal on the floor and pull my sleeves down. I can almost feel the scars on my arm and thighs burn. As if they were on fire As if they were burning with my grief. I look back up at her.

 

“Well I want to change that.” She says. I pull myself up and stand. They’re moving me, I’m too much trouble, they hate me… I don’t want to go! I have to change something! I HAVE to stop this.

 

“You want to transfer me to a different foster home? Honestly I’m fine here I don’t mind I”

“Dan, Dan please calm down” She interrupts me. “That’s not what I had in mind, you can sit down.” 

I sink into the beanbag slowly. What the hell does Mrs.Lester mean? What’s going to happen? 

“Basically, if you agree, you will live with a 21 year old boy in Manchester. He’s not a social worker, he’s just a normal boy. And I think you have lot in common, you both enjoy music and playing video games. He will have a similar function in your life as we do, except obviously you would have to attend therapy sessions and see your lawyer. So, what do you say Dan?” I’m speechless, somebody would agree to, to live with me?!

 

Oh right, they’ve never met me. That’s why.

Should I go for it though?

 

“I’m in”

 

Mrs.Lester looks very surprised at my fast response, and to be honest so am I. But I want to do this. I need to do this. “You don’t have to give me an answer straight away like that.”

“Thanks, but I don’t need time. I would like to do it.”

Mrs.Lester smiles at me, she kind of just looks at me for a while. Kind of like she’s trying to see what’s going on in my head! It makes me slightly uncomfortable, so I pull down on my sleeves some more. 

“I’m very proud of you Dan, you’ve been through so much and you still manage to live on. The Dan I met a month ago wouldn’t have agreed. He would have been afraid, and he would have said that he doesn’t want to cause the trouble”

 

Damn, she knows me well. 

 

“Come here Dan” She said, so I stood up and hugged her. My left arm is currently in great pain, I try to ignore it and not look too insane. 

“Well, take a seat at the actual desk please and we can go through all the paperwork. Oh did I mention he’s my son?” Mrs.Lester said, pulling me out of the hug and taking a sip of her tea. I sat down in one of the two desks placed opposite Mrs.Lester. It felt wrong, it felt to formal. I have only sat in this chair once, it was the day I was brought here.

  
  
  
  
  


*February 13th 2007* 

 

“Come on lad, we don’t have all day. Get out the car and in you go.” The social worker spits into my face. I hate her, I hate them all. 

I get out the car before I can get any more saliva on face. It’s an ugly yellow honda with cartoon children painted on to it. It’s the first time I would be seeing my new home. Home. I’ve never even thought of calling it that before. That’s what  _ they  _ all call it.

To be honest, I’ve never really had a home. I’ve had a house. But never a home. You can hardly call where I lived with my parents a house! Let alone a home. 

 

It was a prison

 

“Getcha self in ‘der. You’ll be meeting the head of this place, or summin like that?!” The pesky thing says to me, and then it disappears, along with the hideous car. I sit on the steps for a while, I only have backpack of things. And most of them are just my special things. I only have a few items of clothing

 

*END OF FLASHBACK*

 

Then Mrs.Lester found me. We talked a while on the steps and then went inside. I liked her straight away! 

When we did go inside she told me to take a seat, so I did (in one of the chairs). But noticing how uncomfortable it made me, she said she would get me something else for net time. The beanbag.

 

"Alright, let me sort out a meeting between you two and we can give you a bit of information on your future caretaker.” Mrs.Lester finally said. She passed me a file.                                      “Come on, open it.” She urges me on. 

I open the file and see a picture of a familiar guy, Phil Lester. Amazingphil.  I can't believe it, if things go to plan I will fucking be living with Phil Lester. The Phil Lester.  Until now I thought that they just shared a surname. I know the mother of my favourite YouTuber and I will be living with him! I still don't believe this. I don't deserve this! 

I flick through the file, I don't really want to read it. It feels wrong. Like I'm invading his privacy, actually now that I think about it that would exactly what I would be doing. And yeah, yeah I know I've done it before. But for some reason, this time, it's different. Phil is amazing and perfect and. I don’t know, I can never put together the words to describe him.

 

I close the file and push it back toward Mrs.Lester. 

“Don’t want to read it?” She laughs and puts it back in her cabinet. She types for a while and then finally gives me the news. “You’ll be meeting him Wednesday. Is that OK?”

I bite my lip so that I don’t look too excited. This is all too perfect. I hope he likes me!

 

Oh god, oh god? What if he hates me? Calm down Dan, the reasons you’re doing this are:

 

1) You decided to do this in the first place because you need to prove to yourself that people can like you

2) This is Phil fucking Lester that we’re talking about

3) You will have more freedom

4)  This is Phil fucking Lester that we’re talking about

  
  


I think that’s enough reasoning to convince me. 

 

“Dan? Dan? Hello?” Mrs.Lester is waving her hand in front of my face. I look up at her and apologize for daydreaming. She laughs and asks me if the meeting date is OK. 

“Yeah, it’s perfect” 

“I’ll really miss you Dan, remember that okay.”

“Won’t you still see me though?”

“Of course, all the time. Whether I’m visiting Phil, ‘checking up’ on you or having my weekly meeting with you. But I mean just having you around. Your a wonderful young man.”

“Thank you Mrs.Lester.”

 

I’m left with a warm fuzzy feeling inside. 

  
  
  
  


**PHILS POV**

 

I’m sat in my living room waiting for any news about Dan. I still have no idea if he’ll even want to live with me. Mum promised to tell me as soon as she got a decision.

PJ left very late last night. We talked on the balcony for a long time, it was very nice. I don’t open up to people much, so when I do! Well you better remember every word I say. Hahaha.

 

*Beep*

 

A new test message, is it mum? Does she have any news? Did Dan agree? 

It’s from an unknown number. It’s not mum.

 

Unknown Number : Hi! This is Chris from the bus stop yesterday. I would love to meet up someday, maybe your friend will be in a better mood then. Chris ;)

 

I didn’t expect him to text me, and I’m very happy that he did! He seemed very cool yesterday. And from the short amount of time we talked, I can tell we have a lot in common. Pj would like him too. If he actually got to know him. 

 

Me : Hi, I would love to. By the way, Pj isn’t usually like that, he got some pretty big news yesterday and was in a bit of a shock. I’ll be in touch about meeting! Phil

 

I receive a response almost straight away.

 

Unknown Number : Sorry, didn’t mean to sound rude about him. I’ll be in touch too :)

 

I save his number on my phone. 

 

*Beep*

 

Another message appears, but this time, it’s not from Chris… It’s from mum. A rush of anxiety fills me and goosebumps appear on my arms. I take a few deep breaths. Am I really ready for this? Am I ready to know? Do I want to know?

I’m being ridiculous, I need to find out at some point. I might as well do it now. I turn on the phone and open the imessage.

Mum : Hello Phil, Dan has agreed! If you still want to go on with this then you can meet Dan on Wednesday at 1pm. I will bring him to your flat. If after the meeting you both still want to do it then I’ll arrange paperwork and he’ll move in soon. Love Mum

 

Me : I’m still in

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> This chapter has around 2530 words. I do realise that there are certain factual inaccuracies like the technology they have and certain dates and stuff. But in order for the whole thing to work it needs to be like that. (I'm no JK.Rowling, I don't have every little thing planned from the start and I can't edit chapters once I've posted then.)
> 
> I am also very happy to say we reached 300 reads, this is way more then I expected and I am so grateful. 
> 
>  
> 
> P.S I know that in one of the comments on the picture it uses the wrong your, I did this on purpose to show they're not very educated. Just clarifying 
> 
> Cya next time


	6. We meet - Pre Chapter Seven

DAN’S POV

My palms are very sweaty and I’m so nervous. I can’t believe this time has actually come. Not only am I meeting Phil Lester, but.. He may be my new caretaker. 

If I don’t fuck this up as usual that is!

 

The place of ‘The Great Meeting’ is Winstone’s Cafe. We go through the main door. The place is fairly large and has very nice white metal tables with roses resting on them. Except I hate roses, I feel like if they were a person they would be stuck up snobs that think too highly of themselves, manipulative, careless and unable to love. And besides, roses are so cliche.   
“So Dan,are you nervous?” Mrs.Lester asks me kindly.  
Hell yeah I am! So nervous that I can’t do anything but reply with a nod.   
“Oh look, there he is” Mrs.Lester says, pointing at a dark haired boy in the corner. Phil Lester. His fringe is falling softly over his eyes and he seems to be nervous too, he keeps looking out the window. “Come on Dan” Mrs.Lester says.   
I catch up with her and we walk to the table. 

I’M SO FUCKING NERVOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Hello Phil!” Mrs.Lester greets her son.  
“Oh, hi mum.” Phil responds standing up to hug her. He then pauses and looks at me. After examining me for a while, he stretches out his hand. I awkwardly shake it.   
But as soon as he smiles at me, the awkwardness seems to be gone. 

“Come on then boys! Let’s sit down.” Mrs.Lester says joyfully.   
We do as she says and after a few minutes of us stealing glances she finally speaks again.  
“Well then, do we want to cut straight to the chase or…?”   
“How ‘bout we do that.”Phil smiles at her.   
“Alrighty then” She says and reaches into a huge bag that I hadn’t noticed before. She takes out a thick red file with what seem billions of pages.

“Let’s start with-” She says flicking through the pages, this makes me more nervous for some reason!   
“How about the process.” She glances at me and then at Phil.  
“Ok” I say quietly. Too quietly. God dammit, he must already think I’m a weirdo! I have not said a word until now, and what do I say? ‘Ok’. God I hate myself!!!

Mrs.Lester however gives me an encouraging smile and continues to talk.

“I understand that this may all seem very rushed, but it is in Dan’s best interest that this all happens long in advance before the court date. You have some time today to talk and meet. I will leave you here for an hour or two. However when I come I need a definite decision. And if you both want to do it still. Well! You two will be roommates by next week.”

This is all so overwhelming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was e real shorty but I have been sooooooooooo busy! (Exam week) And I promise to release the proper chapter seven this week. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! (づ￣ ³￣)づ


	7. Meetings - Chapter 6

PHIL’S POV

 

I’m meeting Dan today. (Ahhhhhhhhhhhh) That’s going to be nice, I’ll finally be able to put a face to a name. (Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh) I’m totally calm. (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh) 

Who am I kidding? I’m freaking out. It’s not like I don’t want to do this anymore, but it’s only really hit me now what I’m doing. What if he thinks I’m a loser after this? And backs out? 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

I need to calm down. I need to talk to someone, PJ. I’m gonna give him a ring. 

 

 

DAN’S POV

I’m sat down in the bathroom trembling, my hands are holding the blade and I’m looking at myself in the mirror, considering every flaw. I’m extremely nervous about meeting Phil today. It’s only eleven but I’m already dressed and ready. God I’m nervous. 

I need to remember why I am doing this. It’s not for anyone but myself. I need to know if it’s true. If I am just a moron. A filthy piece of shit. A faggot. A pathetic no one. A Disgusting dumbass. I need to know, if someone can, can like me.

I drop the razor blade on the floor and slide down from the toilet onto the rug. I curl up into a ball and try and think of all the nice things everyone has done for me these past two months. Because I’m grateful, I’m very grateful for everything. My life has become so much better. But, it could get worse? I need to stop, stop thinking like that. 

 

 

PHIL’S POV 

“Thanks for the talk Pj. I need to go though, Bye!”  
“Bye Phil, take care.”

I end the call. Sure the talk put my mind of things for a little while, but I still have a long time until my 35 minute journey to Rawtenstall. Well, I’ll still have to walk to the train station, which will take me like 5 minutes and then walk from the trainstation in Rawtenstall for like 20 minutes until I get to the cafe we’re meeting in. But that’s still only an hour, well , around. What time is my train anyway, I should probably check that. I lift my laptop onto my lap and open up the confirmation email. 

“Blah, blah, blah, more posh language, blah, blah, blah and 13:30” I read. “Perfect” 

Maybe some Mario Kart? Yeah that will be fun. I put my laptop back onto my bedside table and go to grab the game from my huge collection. It takes me a while, but in the end I find it. I slip it into the console and watch the games logo flicker up onto the screen. 

 

 

DAN’S POV

Some time has passed, and I’m still on the floor thinking about how messed up my life is. I shuffle a little and feel a light stab in the ankle. I guess my ankle found the razor, which had been hiding within the soft strands of the rug. I sit up and pick my little friend up tucking him back into my locket. I won’t be needing it today, or at least I hope I won’t. 

Wednesday’s are usually boring, they’re just there in the middle of the week. They’re regular. But this Wednesday might change my life. 

It will. 

I just have to remember that.

Oh shit! I completely forgot I’m supposed to be attending a therapy session before my meeting with Phil. It’s not like I want to attend it, but I need to look ‘fine’ in order for them to let me go. I scramble up and dash for my phone so I can check the time. 12. Okay well I have like ten seconds to get my ass into the ‘quiet room’. Great. 

I start running downstairs (and probably looking like a goose). I stand in front of the door for like five seconds before I finally FORCE myself to knock.   
“Come in Dan” Says my therapist. She’s laughing but there is a slight note of annoyance in her voice. I walk in and apologize for being SLIGHTLY late. Jesus Christ she’s uptight.   
“Well Dan, you can sit down now.” She says forcing a smile upon her face.   
I do as I am told and sit down on the couch. I hate Madeline so much. She doesn’t help me at all, I gave up actually trying to talk about what ACTUALLY bothered me by our second session.   
“So Dannyl” She begins. Right, there’s also that. I hate being called ‘Danny’.  
“Today I would like to talk about trauma and moving on”

Great. My favourite. 

“Okay” I respond quietly.   
“I would like you to rest your head back and close your eyes.”   
I don’t like the sound of this one bit but I do as she tells me.   
“Basically I will tell you to imagine some things. If this gets too much for you just tell me and we can stop.” Madeline explains. I’m not looking forward to this, I hate going back to things like, like… the things she wants me to go back to.

“I would like you to imagine that you are in your family home. Your father is about to beat you…”

 

* * * * *

“Come on you little piece of shit” He yells loudly. His voice is projecting around the whole house and causes a shiver to go down my spine. At this point all I could do was hide and pray that he leaves me alone.   
“I SAID COME OUT” He screams.  
“It will only be worse if you don’t come out now.” He continues to threaten me.   
I think I’m going to go to him, I’ve experienced enough of his wrath for one day. And I know for a fact by now that he always keeps his promises.   
“I’m over here” I say weakly, and step out of the closet. I close the door behind me, and before I can do anything else I feel a lash on my back. I fall onto my knees in defeat.   
“And how does that feel you little faggot?” That monster cackles. I try to touch my back to see how much I am hurt but another lash comes my direction. This time the buckle of the belt hits my back and my hand. 

The belt. 

He uses it every time, oh how I’ve grown to hate that thing. He has it on him at all times, and I can feel it laughing at me. Laughing at my pain. 

“Who told you, you could move?”  
I don’t dare to even nudge. I try to hold back my tears but it’s no use, they come pouring in.   
“I said. WHO TOLD YOU YOU COULD MOVE?” He screams kicking me in the head with his boot. The hard bottom hits me and has me tumbling to the floor. I can’t do anything. I can’t save myself.  
“Nobody.” I stagger as the pain finally really hits in.  
“Good, now clean yourself up and don’t you let me see you.” His voice fades away. 

I want to get up, I want to go, I want to leave. But my body doesn’t let me. I have to drag myself to the bathroom ; holding onto the wall tightly. I finally make it. The first thing I do is examine my back in the mirror. Two red gashes cloud over my tanned flesh. The blood has soaked through my shirt so I’ll have to soak that in cold water. 

At this point we have two first aid kits with bandages, creams and stitches in the house at all times So at the age of 15 I already know how to stitch myself without any pain relief or stuff like that. My ‘dad’ wants to hurt me. He wants to see me suffer. But he doesn’t want anyone finding out. 

“Hurry up in there, unless you want another round!” He yells. I hear a door slam.

* * * * * 

Madeline had just described one of the beating scenarios I had told the the police. I didn’t need her there, telling me what happened, I still remember every detail. I’ve put so much effort to forget and now she’s made everything come back. I HATE HER.

I bolt up from the couch.   
“I’VE HAD ENOUGH! I want to cut this short” I say and rush out of the room.

I need to breathe. 

I run into the garden and through the opening in the woods, everyone is at school so this place will be empty this time of day. I sit down on an old tree trunk and open up my locket. I remove the razor and slide down my jeans.

I slice my flesh and refuse to cry, the blood drips down my hip and before it can touch my jeans I run into the shed. We have some paper towels there which I can use as a bandage for now. I’ll need to get some proper stuff for later though. 

“Dan? Are you there? We need to go! Come on out.” It’s Mrs.Lester, shit. I tuck the razor into my locket and pull my jeans back up. I need to check if I got blood on anything… Nope. Okay I’m good to go. “Coming” I call out. 

Mrs.Lester is waiting for me in the garden. “What were you doing in there?” She asks.  
“Oh I just left something in there the other day. I just went to get it.” I lie.  
“Hmmn.” Mrs.Lester says, looking at me suspiciously. “And this has nothing to do with your little incident with Madeline.?”  
“So you know?” I say, looking down at my shoes.   
“News spreads very quickly around here.” Mrs.Lester smiles and I smile back.  
Very quickly. 

“I understand that it is very difficult for you to go back to things that happened to you, which is why you won’t be seeing Madeline anymore.” Mrs.Lester says in a serious tone.   
“Thank you” That’s the only thing I can think of to say.   
“Let’s get going” Is the last thing she says before we leave the garden and head over to the car. Mrs.Lester is driving and I sit in the front seat. Our car rides are usually silent. But not in an uncomfortable or awkward way. There silent in a peaceful and calming way, and I feel safe.

 

PHIL’S POV

Rawtenstall is beautiful this time of year ; and very busy. It always feels strange to be back at home! In a way that I can’t really put into words. 

The cafe stands in front of me, just like I remembered it. There are tall red pillars on either side of the entrance and little bushes with honey yellow flowers which let off a wonderful smell. I push the small gate open and choose a table by the window. Before I know it, I’m ripping a napkin to shreds. The waiter - looking quite concerned - asks me if I would like anything. I order a plain coffee and continue the treacherous waiting game. 

I’m not sure how quickly time is passing or what I’m really doing. I’m not going to lie, I’m very nervous!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter was a bit boring and not much happened but the next one will definitely be more interesting and much longer. See you then and I hope you enjoyed ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ


	8. Familiar Faces - Chapter 8

**PHIL’S POV**

 

 

I guess it’s time to get to know Dan. 

 

Mum left about fifteen minutes ago and although Dan seemed very shy at first he’s warmed up a bit. Turns out, we have a lot (like a LOT) in common.

“What do you think of Muse’s 2006 album?” I ask.

“It’s pretty cool. I love the-” He responds before the waiter comes to our table and he stops, pulling down on his sleeves. 

 

“What can I get’cha?” He asks. 

“I’ll have a strawberry milkshake please” I say, even though I just finished my coffee. “What about you Dan?” 

“Erhh, I’ll have the same. Please.” He says, looking up and looking slightly flustered.

Dan keeps his head down until the man walks away. 

 

“Are you always this erh, shy around people?” I say not really realising what I’m doing. Why did I just do that? Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… What is wrong with me? Who says that? WHYYYYYYY?

“I’m sorry that’s not quite what I meant to ask.” I add on straight away. For a few seconds I feel like I’ve slightly offended him but he smiles and laughs into his sleeve. 

“Don’t worry, I promise I’m not. It’s just that, well… I'mprettysurethatmanwasfromWokingham. I kind of just, didn’t want him to recognise me. That’s all.” Dan explains.

“I get it.” I say, after just about understanding him.

Dan smiles at me, finally relaxing his arms on the table.

“I was going to say how I love the album art”

“Oh yeah me too. It’s so futuristic and cool.”

“Yeah” Dan laughs.

 

“So, what do you think of my mum? Honest answer please! I promise I won’t get offended.” I joke.

“She’s really nice. Honest. I’ve not really talked to most of the people there. Literally only two three-year-olds, your mum and the cook. That’s it.”

“And how are your contacts with friends, I mean it must be hard to just com-”

 

 

 

**DANIEL’S POV  (#REBRANDINGREFERENCE)**

 

“I don’t have any.” I quietly cut Phil off and look down at the table. And to my utter surprise, he looks kind of shocked. Does that mean he thought I had friends? Wow.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” He says, also in a quite quiet voice. I don’t want him to feel bad, I should probably say something.

“Honestly, it’s fine” I say smiling, except today, it’s different. Ever since I’ve met Phil… I haven’t had to fake a smile once. And I’ve only known him for what? Thirty minutes (not counting all the youtube videos of his that I have watched that is).

 

The same waiter from before, returns to our table with our milkshakes. Once again, I try not to make eye contact or talk to him. Just in case. Just so he doesn’t recognise me. Phil respects this, he does all the talking for both of us making sure that the waiter doesn’t try to make conversation with me.

 

That’s nice. Nice? Huh, it’s weird, that, he’s being so nice to me!

 

“Damn, these are good.” I say, after my first sip of the milkshake. 

“Glad you're enjoying it.” Phil laughs back. 

We sit in silence, a nice silence. But curiosity is filling me… Why did he choose to take care of me? Why does he care?

 

“Phi?” I begin.

“Yeah?” Phil says, looking up from his milkshake 

“I wanted to ask you something.”

“Okay? Go for it..”

I take a deep breath before I speak again. “Why are you doing this?”

“What? Looking after you?”

I nod.

 

 

 

 

**PHIL’S POV**

 

I pause for a second, to think about how I want to put this. 

“Because I care, and I want to help. You’re a lovely person Dan, you deserve it you know.”

“Ok”

 Dan’s answer confuses me a little. He’s a very confusing person in general, and very mysterious. I think I like that about him. 

 

"Hello boys!" My mum greets us, she came back earlier than I had expected her to.

"Hi"

"Me and Dan need to hurry back but I need you to sign this" She says taking some papers out of her handbag. As I read through them I can see Dan out of the corner of my eye, chewing on his sleeve. I sign the papers and then we say goodbye. 

 

I did it 

 

 


	9. Chapter Nine - These Memories That Haunt Us

 

 

 

 

** DAN’S POV **

 

 

We walk back to Mrs.Lesters car and begin our drive back to the foster home. I had a really good time today, I feel… I feel… Really good! My faith in myself has been restored a little bit.      

“So Dan, how did it go?”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

“Good, I think? Phil is really nice.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

“I raised him well then I guess!” she laughs. I grin back at her as she turns on the radio. Umbrella by Rihanna begins playing, we sing along until we pull up in the driveway.

 

“Hop out Dan I still have some things to sort out. See you at dinner.”                                                                                                                                                                                        

“See you” I say as I close the car door. I stay still and watch the car drive back into the street until I can no longer see it. I adjust my bag and finally push the large wooden door open.

 

I’m greeted by the sound of children screaming and Stephanie, one of the social workers, chasing them around the hall with a towel.

“GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL-”She yells before noticing me come in. “Oh, hello there Dan. Is Katherine with you?” She asked, peeping through the door hopefully.    

"No she had to erh do something.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

“Oh, guess I’ll be stuck with these guys for a little longer then, hahah. ANDY!! ANDY! NO! PUT THOSE MATCHES DOWN!”

 Stephanie ran into the living room, I put my bag down and followed her. She had just snatched the matches off him and was in the process of lecturing him, and telling him how matches are dangerous and how he shouldn’t have been playing with them. I should offer to help her but I don’t know if I can be bothered. Stephanie hasn’t always been exactly the nicest to me. And besides, she’s a social worker, she’ll be fine.

 “Where is everyone else?”I ask.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

“They’re all doing some sort of training for the new mini bus so I’m on my own.” Before we could say anything else we heard a loud scream from upstairs.                                                          

“I need to go” Stephanie exclaimed sprinting out of the room and up the stairs. God this place messed up!

 

 

I don’t really know what to do with myself for now, but I know what not to do…

 

 

 

**1 WEEK LATER**

 

It didn't really hit me at first.                                                                        I had to see it. 

 

                                                 

                                      Had to see all the boxes 

                                                                                                                                                       I can't believe this is happening .. 

 

To, to me...

 

Dan Howell...The looser. The shy kid. The boy who was bullied. The faggot. The kid who was abused. The guy who's suing his parents. The guy who's never had a girlfriend. The boy that no one loves.

The boy that let his sister die... 

 

Oh no, it's happening again.. Stupid fucking flashbacks. 

 

 

 

 

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan?" Sabina chirps at me.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

"Yeah?" I respond, turning to the eight year old next to me.                                                                                                                                                                                                          

"Can we pleeeease go to the woods?"                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

"Sabina, you know that mum and dad said we're not allowed to go in there."                                                                                                                                                                                  

Sabina proceeds to give me her best puppy dog eyes. "What they don't know can't hurt them! You said it yourself Dan, you did!"

 

I think for a moment before finally agreeing, my little sister is right. If they don't find out then what's the harm? The entrance to the woods is at the end of our street. We make sure that none of the neighbours see us before we slip in through the partings in the trees. 

'Wow, this place is really pretty, isn't it Dan?"

"Yeah." I say looking around the place. I don't get why all the adults say not to go in here, they say that it's 'Dangerous'. But it seems perfectly fine to me! "Look there's a log we can sit on over there." I say pointing at an oak; that judging by all the moss covering it had collapsed quite a while ago.

"Okay." Sab said cheerfully, skipping over to it. We sit there for a while, examining our surrounding and listening to the birds sing. It's really pretty out here, and I wish I had a friend I could share it with, other than my sister that is. 

 

Sabby seems not to be talking for once and she is looking far into the sky. 

"What are you thinking about?" I ask her.

"Do you think clouds are dreams?'

"Yeah  probably, I think that when they have good dreams they float peacefully above us, but when they have bad dreams they get scared and they cry. They cry on us and call for help. That's why we have thunder."

"That's a nice way to think about it"

 

She pauses again and this time looks into the forest.

 

"Dan?"

"Yeah?'

"There's footprints, big ones, look" she points to the ground, where in fact, there are large footprints. Too large to be mine. We see the bush near us rustle, and before I can do anything Say runs up to them. 

"Sabby wait" I shout. But she ignores me and runs straight to them. A hooded figure dressed in all black pops up from behind them, it has a siringe which it pushes into my sisters arm. She instantly falls to the floor. 

 

"SABINA NO! GET AWAY FROM HER! GET AWAY FROM HER!" I run to my sisters lifeless body. Her eyes have closed and her head is bleeding, before I can help her the creep hits me in the head with something. 

 

 

 

Next, is darkness... 

 

 

Once I wake up, she's gone.. There is nothing left of her but the pool of blood.. 

She's gone....

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm back in my room staring at the boxes surrounding me, tears are falling from my face like crazy. I KILLED HER.. I FUCKNG KILLED HER.. AND NOW SHE'S GONE AND I'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN.! SHE'LL NEVER SMILE AT ME AGAIN AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT. 

I take the locket from around my neck and open it, my little sister smiles at me from the picture. I pick up the razor... 

I could do it. I could do it now. I could pick up this fucking razor and I could just pull in along my god damn vein. And I would be dead, I would be free from the horrors of this world, I would see her again. It's so god damn easy, and I could. I could do it. 

My hands shake madly as I press the razor down on my wrist, I want to do it! But I just can't seem to make myself! 

I look back down at the picture of m sister, and for a split second ,I swear to god, I see her shake her head. She wants me to live.  

So I lift the razor off me wrist and instead have a go at me thigh, scratching out the word 'guilty' in thin lines and then wrapping a bandage around it. I managed to get a bunch from Mrs.Lester, lying and saying that one of my old wounds needed patching up. 

I should be happy, I'm supposed to move in with Phil today. I'm supposed to be grateful! But what do I do! I start fucking crying and feeling sorry for myself. 

 

Another red slit soon appears on my thigh, this time a lot deeper and thicker. And another plaster is needed. Currently my legs are a collection of plasters, each going in a different different direction and often overlapping. 

 

"Dan, it's time to go!" Calls a voice from downstairs. I guess it's time to put on a brave face. 

I pick up the two boxes that contain all of my belongings and my travel backpack. The stuffs not too heavy so I can carry it all at once. I'm about to leave before I realise that:

a) I nearly left my locket on the floor

b) I need to take all the bandages and stuff 

And c) I want to say goodbye. 

 

So I complete the first to steps, pick up my boxes and whisper "goodbye" before switching off the light. I greet Mrs.Lester once I get downstairs but she has a weird expression on her face. "Dan? What's wrong." 

It's only now that I see myself in the hallway mirror. And fuck, I guess I forgot to add something to the list, my whole face is red and my eyes are puffy. I also can't not mention the fact that there are still tears on my face. 

Mrs.Lester notices that I'm trembling and takes the boxes from me. She then pulls me into a hug and helps me walk into her office. At this point I'm not only crying but choking on my tears.

"Dan, you have to tell me what's wrong." She says quietly. 

"I.. I was just remembering about my sister and I.. I.."

"Dan it's alright, I understand."

 

Mrs.Lester took my hands in one hand and put hero the hand on my back. "You have to stop blaming yourself for what happened. There is nothing you could have done. You understand that yes?"

I nod. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome back! 
> 
> My update schedule has been bit...... Terrible. But I have a free week so I'll we trying to write chapters in advance. This one was a bit shorter but wanted to post something. 
> 
> Feel free to leave any constructive criticism in the comments.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed and I'll see you next time! ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	10. Chapter Ten - The Past Can Be Cruel

It took Mrs.Lester a while to calm me down, how long? I’m not really sure to be honest! I explained to her what had happened while shaking madly. She gave me comfort and told me the usual stuff about how it wasn’t my fault. It worked a little bit. But there’s still a huge pit of guilt built up in my stomach. 

Currently we’re in the car driving to Manchester. Mrs.Lester wanted to cancel my move for now but I know that that would have only had it worse. Which is why I’m doing this.

Deep breaths Dan, deep breaths. 

 

The long road stretches out into the horizon as we ride on it, getting closer and closer to the blazing sun yet still so far away. There are hundreds of cars everywhere. All going somewhere. Perhaps somewhere important.   
Work  
A flight  
Meeting their friend  
Or just driving, and seeing where their car will take them

“I want to stop to get some food, would you like anything?” Mrs.Lester asks me pulling up in a McDonald's parking lot.  
“No thanks, I'm not really hungry.”  
“Alright see you in a bit” She says shrugging, walking out of the car and then walking into McDonald. I plug in my headphones and lean back. Muse starts blasting into my ear as I smile at myself in the mirror. I look surprisingly less trash than I thought I would, well you know considering the fact that earlier today I was covered in tears and snot. Huh…

What the hell, oh god… No, no, no, no, nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!   
Mike Helberg… my biggest tyran.

Okay I can either duck and hide or let him see me.  
Yep I’m hiding. I duck down under the seat and pray, yes pray, that Mike won’t see me. I stay there for about fifteen minutes to insure my safety. Please don’t see me.  
Please don’t see me.  
Please don’t see me.  
Please…  
Please?

 

 

 

 

“Look who it is boys!” A voice behind me shouts, it is followed by countless laughs.   
“The gay lord himself” Another voice shouts, this time one that I know well, Mike. I keep still, ignore the remarks and wait for my bus patiently.   
“Where you goin’ ” The first voice asks. I don’t answer.   
I feel a fist hit the back of my head, a fist that in the past month I’ve grown to remember well. Every knuckle…   
This time I wasn’t hit that hard, this time.   
“You gonna answer us this time.” Mike spits in my ear.   
“Home” I whimper, holding back the pain. That was stupid though, what if they follow me? God, I should have lied.   
“Home huh, I think we’ll take the ride with her what do you think Max?”  
“Sounds good.”  
“I might tag along too.” A third, new voice says. “You fine with that?”   
I feel him grip my arm and squeeze it tightly until I give him the answer he wants.  
“Yes”

A bus rolls up soon after that. I think I’m gonna take it and then loose them on the way, some how…   
I’m about to step on when Max, I think, grabs my arm and pushes me back.   
“No!” He says firmly. “We’re going on first.”   
One after one they board the bus and take a seat at the back. Leaving what appears to be a space for me. What do they want? My head starts to hurt more and more. He hit it hard enough for it to hurt but just hard enough so that it wouldn’t bleed. 

I think for a moment and then lean in to the bus driver. “Please, erh, I will get off this bus and then please start driving and see those boys at the back. Yeah don’t let them get off for the next three stops. Please?”  
“I can do that yeah. You’re heads bleeding boy, did they do that to you?” Guess he did hit me hard.  
“Yeah, and erh.. Thanks..”   
“Joe”  
“Thanks Joe.”  
“No problem.”

I do as I said and hop off the bus, the doors close almost instantly. The three bullies bolt up and start bashing the windows. My bus emerges right behind them. I pay for that and now there’s nothing they can do since we’re going opposite ways. I’m safe for today. It was close.

 

Darkness

 

 

 

It’s friday afternoon and I’m walking back from school, it’s a very lovely day and what makes it even better is I haven’t had any encounters with Mike.  
"Hey there Faggot!"   
Guess I spoke to soon because when I turn around the whole gang is standing there: Mike, Max, Theo, Al and George. Great.

"You know, we haven't had fun in a long time, why don't you get your gay ass over here" Mike called out.   
"We have some toys today!"Max calls from his side. Theo and George take a bag from Ali and open it up. Before I can see what is inside I run. I run, run and run.  
Since I am neither athletic or fast the insulting calls soon caught up with me and tackled me down to the floor, pushing my face into the pavement and arms behind my back.

"Don'r run from us Dan. You know we're faster."Mike hisses.   
"We just want to repay you for that lovely bus stunt. Max spits. I feel the wet droplets all over my face. Disgusting.   
"George, get the rope-"

 

 

 

"Dan? Dan? Hello?" I feel a cold splash of water hit my face.  
"What the-"  
"I'm sorry Dan. I just couldn't get you out of.. Out of whatever was happening." Mrs.Lester says, looking extremely worried.

"I.. I'v been having these.. Flashbacks.. Every since my last therapy session. And I don't know how to stop it."  
"Oh.. And erhh. Dan? Why are you hiding on the floor of the car?"  
"I don't really remember." I respond, half truthfully.  
"Alright, I think you should talk to your new therapist in Manchester about this, when you first see them." Mrs.Lester says less alarmed.  
"Ok."

"I'm slightly worried Dan. Are you 100% sure you're ready to move."  
"Yes, I.. I.. I'm just nervous. I think it would just get worse."  
"Alright Dan. But please sit down normally?"  
"Alright" I laugh and pull myself back up. Mrs.Lester starts the car and we go back onto the road. 

I feel myself slipping away into a deep sleep...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that you enjoyed this chapter! What do you think of the way I do the flashbacks? Once D+P move in would you like a whole flashback chapter? 
> 
> I will try my best (not promising tho) to post a longer chapter tomorrow as I'm going away for the weekend. or I may post an EXTRA LONG chapter once I come back. This week I have updated every two days but starting from next week I'll be posting around every three days depending on how busy I am. 
> 
> Damn, that was longer than usual. Lol
> 
>  
> 
> See ya next time!


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me a while, but at last, here it is!

“Dan? Dan? Wake up!” Mrs.Lester says, poking me in the arm. “We’re here”

‘Here is a nice apartment in Manchester, Phil’s nice apartment. The outside is white with large wooden windows and two doors. Apparently, Phil moved in here sometime this or last week. It’s strange, I was a lot more nervous this morning, now that I’m actually here, I don’t feel all that bad. Mrs.Lester and I get out of the car and take a box each from the boot. Phil’s door turns out to be the one on the left. I really like the place.

“I think you should knock” Mrs.Lester says. I do as I’m told and give the door a good knock.

 

 

Phily’s POV

The silence in my new apartment is broken at last by a knock on the door. Hopefully this is mum and dan! I get up from the sofa, turn off my laptop and walk into the hallway. I have to take a deep breath before opening. Here goes nothing…

“Hello Philip!” My mother greets me, Dan smiles from behind the large box he’s carrying.   
“Hi mum, hi Dan. Erh, come in.” 

I lead my mother and my new friend into the house. They both place the large boxes they were carrying on the floor and we head straight for the living room. Dan and I sit on the couch and my mum sits on the large armchair opposite us. 

“Lovely place.” Dan says, looking at my game collection. I’ve only managed to put out some of my games since I’ve been so busy lately, but already, it adds up to around 60 games.  
“Thanks.” I laugh.  
“You’ve got a lot of games.”He says, this time looking at me.   
“There’s more.” I say proudly. OK judge me all you want! I’m a huge games nerd!  
“There is?” Dan asks looking very impressed.   
“Yes! Too much.” Mum adds, laughing.   
“Certainly beats our collection back at the foster home.” Dan jokes.  
“I still think that ‘Learning Shapes’, ‘Shapes’ and ‘DDR’ are amazing!” Mum says in a sarcastic tone.

“Alright, so here is Dan’s timetable for this month” Mum says passing me a large piece of paper. “I really have to go now.” She stands up and begins picking up all her belongings.   
“Are you sure? I mean you haven’t even been here for five minutes.” I ask.  
“I’m sorry Phil but I have a lot of other responsibilities. Will you two walk me to the door?”  
“Sure”

We lead mum to the hallway, and then to the door.  
“Oh right! Nearly forgot, Dan give Phil the yellow bag. Ok? I’ve gotta go. Bye!” she says hugging Dan and planting a kiss on my forehead.   
“Bye” I try to say but mum’s already out the door. 

Dan bends down to one of the boxes and takes out the ‘yellow bag’.   
“What’s inside?” I ask.  
“Uh, just some of my stronger medication, my prescriptions and some food your mum made.” He responds shrugging.  
“Oh, yum” I say taking the bag and walking towards the kitchen. I stop and look back to see Dan still standing there frozen.

“You can come with me.” I say.  
“Oh, ahh. Right. Sorry, old habits.” He says looking down.   
“You don’t have to be sorry. Come on we should see what mum made for us.” I smiled.   
This sees to help as Dan repays me with a small grin. 

I place the yellow bag on the counter and take out all the medicine, placing it in the empty cupboard on the left. I then take out a medium sized pink box with a white ribbon on top. After untying the ribbon I find a small tray of apple pie and many donuts all covered in multicoloured sprinkles. 

“Those look really good” Dan says looking at the donuts.  
“Yeah. We should have some now and then we can order some food later tonight, if that’s alright.” I say.  
“Of course, sounds good.”  
“I didn’t really feel like cooking, not gonna lie” I laugh.

I take out two plates and place the donuts on them, we walk into the lounge and sit in front of the tv. “What kinda shows do you like.” I ask.  
“Erh, just like Doctor Who and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and things like that.” Dan answers.   
“Oh cool, I love Buffy!”

I put an episode on as we enjoy our donuts. “Dan?”  
“Yeah?” Dan says turning from the tv.  
“I think we should tell each other a bit about ourselves, since you know we’re gonna be living together.” I say, awkwardly.   
“Uh, sure.” Dan responds, looking slightly unsure. “I’m sure you know plenty about me already though, through all the paperwork and stuff.”  
“Exactly Dan, I know the paper version of you, I want to know the real one.”   
And I really do, Dan is such a mysterious person.

“Well what would you like to know?” Dan asks sheepishly.  
“The basic stuff. Let's start with… Your favourite colour!?” I say after thinking for a while.  
“I guess grey, there’s just a certain sense of calm about the colour. I wear quite a lot of black, so I guess that's one too. How about you?” 

Dan looks much more comfortable, I'm glad he’s comfortable! He deserves it. 

“Blue, probably… And green.” I respond. Dan looks at me for a while before finally speaking.  
“Just like your eyes. They’re kind of blue, kind of green and have golden speckles near the edge. You have very nice eyes Phil”   
“Thanks.”   
I guess that’s what I’m supposed to say, I’m not used to receiving complements. It’s not like I get them much.

“What else would you like to know?” Dan asks, resting him plate on the coffee table.  
“It’s your turn to ask.”  
“Huh?” Dan says confused, he turns his head to the side slightly.  
“I’m sure you have some questions.” I chuckle.   
“Oh, well, erhhhhhhhhh… See the thing is…” Dan struggles.  
“Yeah, come on. Spit it out Dan.” I urge him on.   
“Well, we’re not exactly ‘complete’ strangers. I’ve been urgh, subscribed to you since.. Basically the beginning.” 

It’s amazing, that Dan knows who I am. I’ve had one or two people recognise me but… It’s not really hit me that people know who I am. Dan? Dan…? Dan! I thought that name was familiar, he’s the one that won the giveaway I did a while back.

“Are you the-”  
“One from the giveaway? Yeah.” Dan looks back down at him lap and tugs down on his sleeve, an action that he seems to often perform…  
“That’s kind of, a really cool coincidence!”

 

 

DANS POV

“Yeah, I guess.” I laugh, it’s a kind of awkward laugh, but it’s not forced. I was slightly scared that he would be weirded out , but he seems cool with it. There are definitely things I don’t know about him, and things I could ask.  
“Do you have any siblings?” I ask as Phil looks back up at me.   
“Yeah, I have an older brother called Martin.” Phil explains. “Guess that makes it my turn” He adds, scratching his head for comical effect. I laugh slightly.   
“It’s not exactly a question, but, do an impression of your favorite animal” 

I must look a bit too startled because he soon apologizes and says he’ll think of something else, saying that it was a stupid question.   
“It’s fine Phil” I say, sliding down the couch and onto my knees. I begin to bark and stick my tongue out, god I must look like an idiot! 

The next hour passes with many similar questions and a lot of strange animal noises.

 

“Would you like a small tour of the place? There’s not much to see but-”  
“I would really like that.” I interrupt.   
Phil smiles and he stands up, taking both of our empty plates with him. “Let’s go then” He grins.  
I follow him into the corridor and he makes a stop at the kitchen.  
“This you’ve already seen. It’s the kitchen!” He says merily. “If we go back into the corridor, here we have the bathroom.” 

Phil pushes open a wooden door, the bathroom has a large shower in the corner, with a tiny roof window right above it. Next to it is a toilet, and opposite that is a row of counters, a large mirror and a sink. The countertops are a redy-brown colour of wood, and match the framing of the mirror and the window. In the center of the room lies a blue rug, with beautiful coral at the bottom, and tiny fish at the top, blowing their bubbles into the water. 

“Not much to see here, let’s move on. Next stop your room!” Phil says in his best conductor voice. I laugh and follow him out the door and then down the corridor. My room is at the very end of the corridor, only 3 meters away from Phil’s.

There’s a fairly large wooden bed in the center with a black and white checkered duvet (one that matches my backpack perfectly). The far wall is covered by a matching wardrobe and desk. A small tear rolls up in my eye. I turn back around to face Phil.

“Thank you. Thank so, so, so much.” I practically screech and pull Phil into a hug. “”Thank you. You’ve given me a second chance, a second life! Thank you!” I sob into Phils shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... This took me forever to write as I've had a really busy week, what you may call 'writers block' and the first time I did write this 3/4 of it got deleted. Great. 
> 
> Originally this was around 3200 words but now it's around 1,500. I hope you still enjoyed though and let me know what you think in a comment =)


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn this took me a while to write, hope ya'll enjoy! <3
> 
> (BTW this chapter (and this chapter only) was inspired by Johnny Cash's song 'Hurt')
> 
>  
> 
> Lyrics:
> 
> I hurt myself today   
> To see if I still feel   
> I focus on the pain   
> The only thing that's real   
> The needle tears a hole  
> The old familiar sting   
> Try to kill it all away   
> But I remember everything 
> 
> [Chorus:]  
> What have I become   
> My sweetest friend   
> Everyone I know goes away   
> In the end   
> And you could have it all   
> My empire of dirt   
> I will let you down   
> I will make you hurt 
> 
> I wear this crown of thorns   
> Upon my liar's chair   
> Full of broken thoughts   
> I cannot repair   
> Beneath the stains of time   
> The feelings disappear   
> You are someone else   
> I am still right here 
> 
> [Chorus:]  
> What have I become   
> My sweetest friend   
> Everyone I know goes away   
> In the end   
> And you could have it all   
> My empire of dirt   
> I will let you down   
> I will make you hurt 
> 
> If I could start again   
> A million miles away   
> I would keep myself   
> I would find a way

"Dan, you don't have to thank me." Phil says, pulling out of the hug.  
"Yes I do." I say quietly putting my sleeve to my mouth. Phil sighs and smiles softly.  
"Do you want to unpack your stuff? And I can go order the food." He asks, still smiling. I nod as he leaves me in the room alone. This is my home now I guess! 

I finally stepped into the corridor and move the boxes into my room. First I take my underwear and place it in the top drawer, next I empty my clothing box and literally just shove everything into the wardrobe. I can deal with my clothes later. And finally I take my small chest of belonging and place it under my bed, positioning it exactly in the middle. That's it for now I guess. I'm going to see where Phil is. 

I walk into the dark corridor and instantly hear Phil's voice coming from the kitchen. I peer through the door to see him hanging up.  
"I got us a pizza" He explains. "Do you want to play some Mario Kart or something?" He asks.  
My answer is obvious... "Hell yeah." 

So we go to the living room and sit on the soft carpeted floor. Phil slips the game into the console and the titles start coming up. We enjoy a lovely 7 rounds (of which I win 5) before we hear a loud knock on the door.  
“I’ll get it.” Phil declares and leaves the room. I hear him shout “One minute” before hearing some rummaging sounds from the kitchen. My hands start shaking and my throat becomes very tight. Then comes some small talk and the exchange of money and pizza before Phil returns holding a rather large pizza box. 

“It smells really good.” I say, standing up and heading towards the table in the corner of the small room with a slanted ceiling, my hands still shaking madly.  
“We can eat on the couch.” Phil says lightheartedly.  
“Are you sure? I mean won’t that just make a mess and you may spill something or drop something and I mean I might do it and I wouldn’t want to like I don’t know-” I say hardly breathing.  
“Dan.” Phil says calmly placing the pizza box down and putting his arm on my shoulder. “It’s fine. Take a deep breath and relax.” 

I breathe. In  
Out  
In  
Out  
In  
Out  
In  
Out  
In  
Out

Calm…

 

“You don’t have to be scared of me Dan. I want to be your friend, not your social worker. Ok?” Phil says and smiles reassuringly.  
“I’m not very good at… friends.” I say as a wave of embarrassment hits me.  
“Neither am I to be honest, I made my first two friends very recently, and now I want you to be my friend! Now let’s enjoy our pizza before it gets cold.” 

I follow Phils lead to the couch and wait for him to take a slice before I do. I guess I’m more worried and messed up than I though. Why did I freak out so much over fucking eating on a goddamn couch??!?!! What is wrong with me?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

We eat the pizza kind of in silence, still playing Mario Kart one handed (somehow?). Since we are both handicapped, we're like in -50 place. But neither of use seem to care. I SHOLDN'T BE DOING THIS TO PHIL. I think the graphics now are really good. I SHOULDN'T BE WAISTING HIS LIFE. The shells are still as annoying as before though hahaha. I SHOULDN'T BE PUTTING ALL MY PROBLEMS ONTO PHIL. The pizza is really good too, I wonder where it's from.I SHOULD END THIS BEFOR EHE DOES.

"Phil? I'm going to go shower and then go to bed OK?" I ask, finally snapping.  
"Yeah OK, I'll tidy up in here and then shower after you." Phil smiles. 

Why is he smiling? Why isn't he annoyed with me? 

"Ok goodnight." I murmur.  
"Goodnight." Phil says blissfully.

Why is he smiling? Why isn't he annoyed with me? 

I leave the hooded living room and go to 'my room'. 

 

Straight under the bed is where I go, straight for the chest. After a few seconds of batting my hand around on the floor, a rectangular wooden object finally comes to my reach. I slide it open and take my razor, then putting the locket in the box. I also take an oversized long sleeved t-shirt and some long pyjama pants. After having to hide both the scars my parents gave me and my own I've learnt that oversized clothing works best. I usually don't wear a t-shirt to bed but the three large gashes on my left arm have caused that to be impossible, and that's not even mentioning the bruises and scars I have from... them. 

I hate seeing them, it makes me feel like they won, like they're still winning. They have left a nearly permanent memory of the pain they put me through. 

I

 

need to hurt myself, I need to cut. It's the only thing that tells me that life is real. 

I walk into the wooden bathroom and place the clothes on the textured counter. The razor tears a hole in my skin, and a familiar sting hits my thigh. I've tried so many times to kill my past, but I still remember everything...

 

 

 

 

"Get the rope" One of them calls out, I'm so drained that I can't even tell who it is. I hear footsteps near my head and then something begins bounding my wrists, it burns like hell. I try to protest! I try to scream! But no sound comes out and no one will help me. 

The strong arms that are holding me pull me up and then push me into the brick wall behind us. I land nose first and hear the snap of my bone. It'd broken.  
The blood begins to pour and I hear someone curse. "FOR FUCKS SAKE! You were just supposed to get him up, now he's gonna BLEED ALL OVER THE FUCKIN' CAR YOU MORON"  
I keep my eyes closed and fell myself being thrown into the backseat of a car. Someone presses some sort of cloth onto my nose, I letup a yelp of pain before taking over holding it. Me making a noise wasn't god idea as I receive a smack in the thigh. 

Right over my scars.

I bite down on my lip so that I don't make a noise. 

 

We soon pull up somewhere. I still haven't opened my eyes so the location is unknown to me. I'm so scared.  
Sure my father has put me through worse but, I don't know exactly what to expect from them. Right now.... I'm..... I'm weeeeeeleeeeeee tieeeeerrrrrreeeeeeedddddd...

*Darkness*

"Get up! GET UP YOU BASTARD!!" A loud voice yells at me. I do as it says, I open my eyes to see Mike standing above me, we're in some sort of abandoned building. There are old boxes and ruined furniture all around me and the wallpaper is ripped. I'm tied to a chair but for once Mike is the only one there.  
"Time to repay you for the little bus stunt you pulled." He spits. I feel his warm saliva on my face.  
An evil grin spreads across Mike's face as hits me with a belt. 

Lash after lash hit my back until I feel like I'm going to pass out again. The pain is unbelievable but I make no noise. The last hit strikes back and I scream, this time no one hits me, instead Mike undoes the ropes, puts a rag into my mouth and pushes me onto the floor. I'm so tired and week. I just want it all to end.

 

Mike sits on my back pushing my head into the floor. He takes out a pocket knife and digs it into my neck. I want to scream but the cloth keeps me from making any noise. 

*darkness*

 

I'm woken up once again by Mike's screams. I touch the back of my necks well as my nose to feel to bandages. My nose may be alright for now but I'm probably going to have to stitch my neck up. He cut deeper than I ever have.

Stich it up, if they let me go that is.

As if he read my mind, Mike says that he will let me go but I have to promise I will never 'pull a stunt like that'. 

 

I promise.

 

 

 

 

 

What have I become? What has happened to me over all of these years? Where am I now? Sitting in someones bathroom cutting myself up into bits. Everyone I've ever cared for has gone away. And so will Phil. 

I'm full of so many broken thoughts that I can't repair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or, I could start... again?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Slice, slice, slice.......

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How in the world have we hit 700reads????!!! I still can't believe it. Thank you also much for sticking with me, my awkward chapter lengths and strange update schedules.
> 
> Leave any comments with thoughts, constructive criticism and ideas down bellow. See ya'll next time!!! <3 <3


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Slice, slice, slice and the blood comes pouring out. I won’t cry.   
I place place the blade on the countertop, turn on the shower and strip, while the water warms up. 

The vermilion red thunderbolts of blood crackle from my hips to my ankles. I hop into the shower and allow the warm water to massage my back. The skies are cleared and the lightning bolts are gone. The places where they hit are still there though. They were hit deep. 

I don’t want to take too long so I turn the shower off and begin drying myself. The blood has stopped so the towel shouldn’t get stained. I’m not sure how I would explain that to Phil, I mean I guess I could just say one of my old wounds reopened. Mrs.Lester bought it!

I put on some clean boxers and slip on my pyjamas. Right as I’m about to take my razor, Phil knocks on the door.   
“Hey, when you're done put your dirty clothes in the blue laundry basket” He says loudly. I assume he thinks I’m still in the shower.  
“Ok, I’m done anyway!” I say back.  
I drop my things into the basket and slide the razor blade between the waistband and my hip.   
“Already? OK” Phil says just as I open the bathroom door. His hair is scruffier than before and he’s wearing his glasses. He definitely suits them.

 

I don’t really make eye contact with him and head straight towards my room. But out of the corner of my eye, I notice, he’s still smiling.

WhY ISn’T hE MaD AT me?????

 

I close my bedroom door and throw myself onto the bed. It’s a very comfortable bed, it’s much better than what I previously had. I need to stop being a brat, I need to show Phil hw thankful I am. I”ll start tomorrow! Right now, all I want to do is sleep. 

I put my head on the pillow, before I feel something sharp poke me in the side. Ugh, I never put my razor away, now I have to get up! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I was so warm…..!

I lean out of the bed and reach for my box. I place the razor blade inside and close my eyes…

 

 

  
He brings his thumb to my ribcage and forces it between my bones. All the oxygen is taken out of my body. I start choking. I scream. I yell. I cry. I gasp for just a little bit of air, but nothing enters my lungs.

My father laughs as he sees my pain, that evil spark burning in his eye. He knows. He knows that he has put me through hell, but I’m not sure if he knows that this, this isn’t normal. My mind is going blank. I guess it’s goodbye world……

 

 

  
Breathe Dan, it’s just a nightmare. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I can’t. 

 

I rush out of my room and into the kitchen, I can’t breathe, I need some water. I search the cupboards frantically until finally I open one filled with mugs and glasses. I take on and rush to the tap, the cold water rushes into it and over flows and three times. I practically ‘push’ it into my face.

The cold water drips down and I grip onto the counter. You’re fine Dan, you’re gonna be Ok. Breathe,

Phil must have heard me through all the noise as he comes into the kitchen. He puts his hand on my back and massages it is circles.  
“Please look at me Dan.” He says very calmly, his tone is nice. It makes me feel a bit better. He doesn’t tell me to breathe, he doesn’t tell me that everything is going to be ok. He stays with me and he calms me. I definitely prefer this over someone trying to convince me that I’ll be fine.

“Do you want to go and sit down in the living room?” Phil asks me gently.   
I nod.  
“I’ll get you some water. You go sit down” He says and reaches into the cupboard next to him.   
I walk out of the kitchen, the door to the living room is open and something is playing on the tv. The fairy lights that I hadn’t noticed before are on now, they’re the main light source in the room.   
A nest of blankets has been arranged on the sofa, and there is a small crease where I assume Phil’s back was. Looks like I didn’t wake him up. Good.

How ever lovely Phil’s nest looks, I’m way too boiling. I can practically feel the heat radiating off me.

 

Phil walks into the room holding a large bottle of water filled with ice, I take it gratefully.   
“Are you warm?” Phil asks reaching for a blanket.  
“B-b-b-o-i-l-l-l-l-l-e-n-g-g-g.” I respond, still choking lightly.   
“Let’s get you onto the balcony then.” He says and helps me up from the dining table chair, he puts his arm over my shoulder and leads me back into the kitchen. He let's me rest on the counter while he slides the blue curtain open, a large glass door is revealed.

We walk through and a dark canvas of light is revealed. Phil pulls a large beanbag out and helps me down. I clutch my water bottle and take small sips. Phil keeps his hand in my knee and draws little circles in it. The cool breeze hits my face as I examine Manchester at night. 

“Whhhat tiiimmme is iiit?” I croak.   
Phil looks down at his watch for a moment before going back to creating the small circle patterns.  
“Nearly twelve.” A small smile returning to his face. “Do you mind if I..” he says gesturing to my forehead.   
“Go foooo it” I say, in a bit more of a normal way.  
Phil puts his hand on my forehead and checks me temperature.  
“Definitely too warm! Do you mind staying here on your own for a bit” he asks.

I don’t want him to go but I nod anyway. I don't know if I can gust myself, with, with everything! 

Phil squeezes my hand and then gets up, he goes grouch the open door and I hear the opening of cupboards. Dan you are fine, Phil is right there. You can breathe, you have water, you have food and nobody can hurt you. You’re fine.

Luckily Phil returns shortly with some medicine, some blankets, his laptop and two hot chocolates. He places the blankets around us and covers my shoulders and legs with one, then doing the same for himself. He places the laptop between us and and passes me the hot chocolate. “We can stay out here for a bit.” He says, his eyes smiling warmly for him.   
“Thank you Phil” I say, my breathing pattern finally back to normal.   
“Oh right! I nearly forgot, take two of these.” He says passing me some ibuprofen. I put two in my mouth, and take them down with some water.   
“What do you want to watch?” Phil asks.  
“I don't know, something a bit less, eventful please.” I say, laughing gently at the end.  
“Alright i’ll see what I can do” Phil laughs.

He puts in some long soap movie and I rest my head on his shoulder, we sip our hot chocolates in silence. But we both know that neither of us is paying any attention to the movie. I'm looking at the starts, and Phil is looking at me. 

 

After about an hour, we both agree that it’s too cold to be outside and move to the living room. We re-build Phil’s nest and feel sleep taking me………………………………………………..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodnight world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed <3
> 
> Everything up to this point was a sort of 'introduction' (yup I like to take time with my pics hahaha). Now the real action will begin!
> 
>  
> 
> Let me know what you think so far and leave any suggestions for this fic down below. See ya'll next time, byeeeeeeeeee


	14. Chapter 14

I wake up to the sound of a kettle being turned on. Wait, what? How the hell can I hear that from all the way here?   
I try to pull my duvet off me, but I feel myself getting tangled up in some fluffy blanket mess. What the fuck?   
I open my eyes and look around the room. Above my head is a dipped ceiling, there is a large blue rug under a white coffee table, two large wooden windows and a television. 

Oh right, I’m at Phil’s house.   
I guess this was my first night here! Wow. This feels better than I thought it would. Phil really helped me last night too. And, I think he’s my… Friend? 

 

I unscramble the mess around my legs and follow the noise into the kitchen.   
“Mornin’” Phil greets me. “I'm making us some pancakes.”  
“Oh yum!” I say nibbling on a pancake Phil had already made. “Oi, hahaha! Why don't you carry this down to the living room” he says.  
“Alright.” I say and take the tray he was pointing to. On it are two glasses of orange juice, two plates, sets of knifes and forks, sugar, lemon juice and Nutella. 

I shake a bit when carrying the tray but manage to get it to the living room without dropping it. I lay everything out on the table and take a sip of my juice. I'm a bit cold to be honest, I think I'm going to fetch a sweatshirt. 

I hurry up to my room and grab the first warm thing I find, my black Muse hoodie. I pull it over my head and then I grab some socks from my bag. I still haven't quite unpacked, but I just can't be asked, and anyway, with the sock goblins running around my socks will find a way out of my bag sooner or later.

 

I walk out of my room at just about the same time as Phil does out of the Kitchen. He's carrying a large plate of pancakes in his left hand and a watering can in his right.   
“What's that for?” I ask, pointing to the strange object in his hand.  
“Oh I need to water my plants, I may have a slight obsession with buying houseplants.” He laughs as we sit down at the table. He places the watering can beside him and the pancakes between us. 

I wait for him to take a pancake before taking my own.   
“What do you want to watch today?” Phil asks picking up the remote.   
“You choose” I respond, munching on my pancake.   
“Come on, I always choose!” Phil says, hitting my shoulder lightly.  
“Alright.” I sigh. “How about Anime?”   
“Anime?” Phil says with a hint of question in his tone. “What is that?”  
“Strap yourself in it may take a while to describe.” I laugh. “Anime is basically A type of animated cartoon. But unlike British or American cartoons anime usually has one episode connecting to the next. This would give allowance for a story that is long and can express a good plot and elaborate on characters.   
Anime is long-term stories that are cartoons, and are usually cheaper to make.There are good and bad ones, ones that are horrible at plot and characters, and ones that are good at plot and characters, just like most tv shows. A great number of animes are based off of Japanese Comics (a.k.a. Manga).In short, not all anime is gay and not all are awesome either. You have to dig for the good ones, and then BAM you have something to spice up your boring, monotonous home life when you've had enough of going outside, or can't go outside, or are worn out from studying, etc. Heck, it makes waiting for texts easier.Of course, like anything, there are addicts... and anime isn't necessarily a good thing to be addicted with, especially if it gets in the way of your life.Animes that easily appeal to the masses are: Death Note (psychological thriller), ToraDora (about growing up), Code Geass (about war and injustice).” I say taking small breaks to eat my food.

“So let me get this straight, Anime is a Japanese cartoon that has more of a continuous storyline?”  
“Yeah, pretty much.”

 

By the time I've finished explaining both of us have already finished our food, so there’s no point in picking a show.  
“I need to film a video, are you going to be ok to be on your own for a while?” Phil asks gathering our empty plates. 

I don't really want to be left alone, not just yet at least. I'm still recovering from the trauma of last night. And besides, what am I supposed to do? 

As if he knows exactly what's going on in my head, Phil speaks again, “You could help me. If you prefer.”   
“Yeah sure” I rejoice.

 

I help Phil carry the dishes I into the kitchen and he goes to grab his camera, I record some shots for a skit that he's doing and then he goes to record his seldest bit. While he’s doing that, I going to go to my room.   
I might catch up on some reading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a shortish kind of chapter, but I have a lot of exams in school at the moment. Chapters will currently be a bit shorter however I'm trying to update every 2-3 days. I hope you enjoyed and I'll see you next time! <3


	15. Chapter fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idk it's really sort and kinda weird and doesn't really make sense but I wrote this late at night.

I wander around the house in search of a book I might enjoy. After the living room fails me (no books whatsoever) I give up and go to get my phone. Let's see what the world has been up to! 

14 notifications : 4 emails, 7 Facebook notifications, 2 texts and one game update. Oh god! What this time?   
I slide my finger along the screen nervously and the Facebook logo pops up. I'm redirected to a new page… Were is Danni Howell @. 

Oh boy. 

 

I scroll down to the first post. “Were is DannI Howl @, what do you think Add all ur theories ‘ere” I read quietly to myself. If only they could spell.   
What else is there though?   
There are a few ‘theories’ most of which are that I was too ‘faggy’ for the town so they ‘made me’ move out. Great one. 

 

“Dan?” I hear someone calling from the hallway, and it’s definitely not Phil. So who is it?  
I hear a muffled voice, this time it’s Phils, “I think he’s in his room”

That’s strange, I never heard anyone knock.

I put my phone to the side and get up from the bed. Just as I do so a knock comes to my door.  
“Come in?” I say, half questioning.   
Phil and a short looking man enter the room. The man has blonde hair, unnaturally white teeth and is wearing a gross green suit. He looks around the room vaguely and then back at me.   
“Connor Blake” he introduces himself and reaches for my hand. “Your lawyer” 

He must see the confusion on my face because because he quickly adds, “I recall that we were supposed to meet next Friday , correct?”  
I nod.  
“Yes, well! This case is being pushed forward so we’ll be needing to begin right away. I do apologize for any inconvenience.”  
I’m about to ask him what exactly we need to begin but Phil manages to speak first. “How about you take a seat in the living room?”   
Phil leaves my room and takes Mr.Blake with him. I’m glad that he’s handling all of this, I can’t.

 

I follow Phil and Mr.Blake to the living room where we sit down. Phil leaves to make him and Blake coffee and me tea.   
“Well Dan, here’s what we got.”he says handing me a large red folder, similar to the one Mr.Lester had given me. “That will be evidence, laws they have broken and anything they can be punished for.”  
“So, this is good, yes?” I ask.  
“For you, yes.” He laughs “We have a lot on them Dan, as long as you say all the right things when the time come, we go ‘em.” 

Until Phil returns, Connor (that’s what he’s asked me to call him) shows me small cutouts from law books. This ‘gives me a basic idea of what we have’. 

Soon though, Phil does return, he has a large tray which he places on the table. Connor takes his coffee straight away and throws five sugar cubes into it. I take my tea and opt for two. 

Connor chugs his coffee down and scoops his papers into one pile, just as they had been before. “Right, Dan? Take care, I’ll be seeing you Saturday” Connor says and leaves me and Phil in the small, cozy room.   
“That was definitely something” I say taking the first sip of my tea.   
“Definitely!” Phil agrees laughing. “What did you two even do?”  
“We just went over what we have on them basically.” I explain. 

I can tell that both of us are very confused!

“Was that it?”  
“Pretty much”  
“So, he drove all the way here just to stay for like 15minutes and show you some paper.”  
“I guess.” I laugh.  
“Strange man, he is.”  
“Yeah.”

“Well I've finished editing so we can play some video games if you want.”   
“Sure.” I say and we sit down on the soft rug in front of the tv.   
We end up playing games for a ridiculously long time before hunger hits me again.

 

“Phi? Can I go make myself something to eat please?” I ask.  
“Of course, actually I should probably show you where everything is.” Phil responds standing up, we both go to the kitchen. “I sort of have a system, I keep canned things here, the bread is here, that’s the fridge, obviously, snacks and things are in here, and there’s plenty of frozen things in the freezer.” He says, gesturing to different cupboards and shelves.   
I laugh and reach for the bread, “I think I got it, wait, where are the knifes?”   
“Large ones are here and the cutlery is in the draw on your right.” Phil says pushing himself up onto the counter.   
He watches me prepare myself the food with a small smile on his face.  
I confuse things a bit but in the end my toasties are not too much of a flop. 

“Here you go.” I say giving Phil his portion.   
“Thanks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a few things ;)
> 
>  
> 
> 1) I'm very sorry that I haven't posted for the entire week, I haven't had any internet (don't ask me how I survived tbh I have no idea lol)
> 
> 2)This was extremely short. I wrote this chapter late at night and never really checked through it or finished it so it's kind of disappointing, I then the next day started writing the next chapter and it has a time skip in it. I wanted to post this even though its' kind of trash.
> 
> 3) I've already written the ext like two chapters, but I did so on paper so I'll have to copy them. As I think we all know by not I'm a huge procrastinator (just look at my update schedule) so I can't really say when those will be out. I'll try my best to make it soon. 
> 
>  
> 
> See ya'll next time <3


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's one of the weirder ones but I enjoyed writing it. :/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, took me long enough to copy onto here. Enjoy <3

*Saturday* 

 

 

“Dan wake up!” Phil called from outside of my room.

It’s taken me awhile to get used to waking up here, in fact, no… I’m still not used to it.  
“Whyyyyyyyyy?” I groan loudly.  
“You’re going to meet your FAVORITE lawyer today.”  
“Is that today?”  
“Yes Dan. Now get dressed so I can stop yelling through the door.” 

The week had passed very quickly. It was made up of eating pizza, playing video games and falling asleep on the couch while watching a movie. To be honest, I’ve only slept in my own bed twice ; including today. I drag my body out of the bed and take the first hoodie I find and pair it with some black jeans.  
Ouch! God dammit, I scrapped one of my scars with the stupid trousers. Aaaaaand it’s bleeding, great. 

I need to patch myself up. 

“Hurry up Dan” Phil - once again - calls from outside my door.  
“I’ll be out in a minute!” 

Guess there’s no time for that, I pull the jeans up fully and throw the hoodie over my head. I adjust my fringe, which seems to have gone back to it’s hobbity ways. I leave the room and go to find Phil, he’s already next to the door and putting his shoes on.  
“There you are, we have to go, but I’ve packed you some breakfast to take with us.”  
“Thanks, what time is it?” I ask, searching for my black converse in the pile of Phil’s colourful trainers.  
“Nine fifteen.”.

We walk to a nearby bus stop and wait there for about ten minutes before we’re taken into the main area of Manchester. I’m not too sure as to where exactly we are, but Phil seems to know his way around. I stay close to his side and fiddle with the bracelet I’m wearing on my right wrist. 

We finally stop at a large yellow building with very small white windows. Under each of them a hanging pot filled with irises. Some more delicate and subtle with pale violet shades and others bright and vivid with deep indigos. It creates a lovely gradient.  
Before I even realise it, me and Phil are walking into the aureolin building. A short mouse looking lady greets us from a metal desk placed almost in the centre of the room. The whole thing looks a lot larger from the inside, and there are about 8 doors surrounding us. Every 30 seconds or so an angry looking businessman/woman walks through one of them, straight into another. It’s like a huge maze.  
I follow Phil to the woman's desk and watch him take a small slip of paper out of his pocket, he gives it to the woman and she leads us through one of the doors. We’re taken into a small room with three identical doors that have small number plates above them. It all reminds me of those door video games. 

“That’ll be 054 for you.” the woman says, in a much sweeter tone than I expected from her. Even while wearing her black heels, she only goes up to my shoulders, she had dark brown hair that has been pulled up into a tight bun. And there’s a certain bobby pin in it that looks like it could fly out and hit me in the eye at any moment.  
“Thanks.” I find myself saying. I notice a small smile on Phils face but as soon as he notices me looking at him he changes it into a more ‘natural’ and calm one. Phil knocks on the door and Connor opens it straight away, almost as if he was behind it the whole time. Creepy. 

“Ah, goodmornin’!” He says grabbing Phil's and then my hand into warm handshakes. His breath smells of strong coffee and peppermints and his teeth are still extremely white, unnaturally white. "Do come in lads." He continues. Phil and I walk into what I presume is Connors office and take a seat at the desk. I let Phil walk, and take the seat on the left, I sit down on the right. As soon as I do my chair makes a loud fart noise. I can feel the fire burning on my cheeks. Oh god.  
"Oh dear, forgot to tell you to mind the chair. Happens every time. Hilarious innit?" Connor snorts.  
Me and Phil reply with an awkward and extremely fake laugh. We spend the next hour or so looking through papers and going over my testimony. 

I 

A  
M

S  
O 

T  
I  
R  
E  
D 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UGH 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Do you want to go and grab some food?" Phil asks as we leave the strange yellow building.  
"Yeah, I'm starving and exhausted." I reply.  
"We can have it takeaway then."  
"Alright, I still want a rematch for yesterdays Mario cart!"  
"Alright, if you think you're ready Howell!" 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm so unbelievably lucky.  
I'm so happy.  
I'm safe.  
My parents will be taken care of.  
And I'm going to live with Phil Lester. 

 

 

And he, likes me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

NO HE DOESN'T

 

 

 

 

 

DONT YOU KNOW THAT HE'S IN IT FOR THE MONEY

 

 

 

YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY NOW

 

 

YOU'RE JUST AN UGLY BRAT GET OVER YOURSELF

 

 

 

NO ONE WANTS ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU YOU'RE DISGUSTING YOU FAG

 

MONEY MONEY MONEY YOU'RE SO STUPID DAN, TO ACTUALLY THINK THAT HE WOULD LIKE YOU STUPID

YOU FAG  
YOU SICK ATTENTION FREAK TRYING TO PROVE SOMETHING AND YOU CAN'T ESCAPE 

YOU'RE TRAPPED DAN

 

FOREVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVR EVR BITCH

 

 

YOU CAN'T ESCAPE FROM THESE THOUGHTS...

 

 

 

 

I don't remember the rest of that day....

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cut, cut, cut.  
Two on the thigh. One on the hip.  
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.  
Three on the upper leg, one on the thigh and four on the hip.  
Cut.  
Once on the ball of my foot.

 

I left out a small gasp as the razor comes out of my flesh, covered in a thick layer of blood.  
Blood as dark as the night.  
Blood as dark as my thoughts.  
Blood as dark as my fathers eyes.  
Blood as dark as my sisters screams.  
Blood, my dark blood.

I wipe my foot and left leg from the blood and reach for the first aid kit. Twelve cuts, three plasters, one bandage and the rest are bare. 

 

 

"Dan? Dan? Are you in there?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be very eventful (VERYYYYYY) so stay tuned for that and I hope that you enjoyed! <3 <3 <3


	17. Chapter Seventeen

It’s too late.

 

Phil has already pushed the door open, and here I am.   
Sitting in the middle of his bathroom with a small puddle of water and blood beneath me, and razor in hand. 

I expect him to be angry, to yell, to say that he’s quitting. But he doesn’t.   
Instead he comes down to the floor and pulls me into a hug, resting my head on his lap.   
I try to speak, except nothing but croak leaves my throat.  
“Shhhh.” Phil whispers gently.  
I tilt my head slightly. “I'm sorry.”   
“I know.”

Phil positions my head back on his lap and cradles me softly.   
“Are you ready to stand up?” he asks gently after a few minutes of swaying.   
I shake my head and look back up at him, into his beautiful enchanted garden within his eyes.  
I see the long green wines, the baby blue sky, the crystal blue pond and the vivid green grass. I see it all, and it’s all in his eyes.

We stay like this for god knows how long. Just me, and him and the oceans and the trees, and the blood.  
Phil pushes me up into a sitting position and holds his hand behind my back until he knows I won’t fall. He turns the shower on and takes a large purple towel off the heater.   
“You’re going to shower for me, ok? I’ll grab you some clothes. Just rinse.” Phil says reassuringly.  
He leaves the bathroom, and I begin stripping down from the loose jumper and my boxers. 

As always, I throw them into the clothing basket. I grip onto the metal handles of the door tightly and slowly push myself into the shower. The warm water hits my face instantly and drips down my body.   
However warm I am on the outside, a cold burning pain remains close to my heart. Why is Phil so calm? Why is he so understanding? Why does he bother?  
Maybe he is taking me back… 

I scan the bathroom floor for the razor before realising Phil took it, I look around me, he took his shower razor too. He doesn't trust me to not do anything, and I don’t either.

 

Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.

 

PHILS POV

 

Relax Phil, breathe. 

You need to stay calm and be as supportive as you can. Why did I think I could do this? Because you can Phil, just stay calm and be understanding.   
Huhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. 

I grab a warm sweatshirt and some jogging bottoms from Dan’s dresser for him to wear. I’ve already disposed of the razor but I think that it’s best for us not talk about it tonight.   
Dan needs to feel safe and wanted.   
We can talk tomorrow.

I knock on the bathroom door. “I’ll just leave these inside ok.”  
I open the door slightly and nudge the clothes inside.   
“Would you like to sit on the balcony?”  
“Yes, please” I hear a faint voice say, I can barely make out what was just said to me. 

I go back into the living room to grab some blankets, and then go to the kitchen to get Dan some water and leave the blankets on the balcony.   
I see a small figure, drowning in an oversized hoodie standing in the hallway and chewing on their sleeve.   
I come to join them, and pull them into a warm hug, trying my best not to crush them in case of any other scars. 

How could I have not noticed sooner?  
When did this start? When he moved in?

Maybe he’s so unhappy here, maybe I can’t give him the emotional support he needs!

 

I feel and hand wipe a tear off my cheek. “I’m sorry.” Dan whispers.  
“You don’t have to be sorry. This, this,this wasn’t the right thing to do, and there are there are other ways to cope. But you don’t have to apologize to anyone but yourself.”

Now it is my hand, that has to wipe someone's tears away.

 

Without a word, we walk onto the balcony, and make a warm nest out of the blankets and pillows. Phil passes me a glass of water and I take a few tiny sips slowly. Phil places his hand on my back and rubs it slowly.   
"I'm sorry," I whisper again.   
"Dan, I've told you. You can't apologies to me before you apologies to yourself."  
"Okay." I sob. 

I place my head on Phil's lap just as I had before, he rolls my sleeve up and runs his fingers over a large gash on my arm. The tips of his fingers tickling my damaged flesh.   
“It will get better, I promise. You, we, can get through this.”  
“But I don’t know how” I weep.   
“But you can learn, you can find other ways to cope. You have your first therapy session tomorrow. You can talk about it to them. You can survive!” Phil says, his voice becoming more sure and more confident as it went.   
“I don’t think I can!”   
“Yes, yes you can.”  
“But Phil-”  
“No Dan, if you ever want to do it again you’ll have to take my arm, look me in the eye and cut my arm.”   
“Phil I could never…”

 

 

And then I understood, I wasn’t just hurting my skin, I was hurting my soul and myself. I didn’t matter how I did it. It didn’t give me any control, in fact, it made me lose it.   
It made me no different to my father, to my mother. They hurt me.   
I’m allowed to be insecure and have doubts, and it will be difficult. But I have to survive. 

That’s how I can win.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry but like, how the actual hell did this get to 1K reads?! Thank you so much for reading and commenting! <3 <3 <3
> 
>  
> 
> Also sorry for how long this took me to upload lmao


	18. Chapter Eighteen - Back into the rhythm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So....... Guess who's back. BAcK AgAIn!!1!!!!1!!111!!
> 
> What's up chilly dogs (sorrynotsorry) So well I'm a thing since most of you have probs forgotten considering I mean I've been gone for a few months. Enjoy whatever this is and I'll see ya later. (Right also I'm not dead (yet) so yeah hi)

I'm scared, I really am. But now I have something I've never had before, hope.  
Hope is a good thing, it can push you forward when your stuck, it can hold you afloat when you’re drowning And it can make you fly when you’re stuck to the ground. And you only need one hope. 

I've gone to a few therapy sessions now, and I think it's helping? Slowly.   
Phil is a true angel and is taking my craziness so well. I feel so bad for throwing my problems onto him. 

 

"Dan? Can you come help me?"   
"Sure" I say, finally letting my eyes fall from the mirror. I leave the bathroom and find Phil sitting on the living room floor. "Right, can you hold that." Phil says pointing at two blocks of wood. He looks exhausted.  
He's wearing the same grey hoodie he's worn for the last 3 days and his pyjama bottoms, his hair is very scruffy and unwashed and he has huge bags under his eyes. Is that because of me?   
"Are you alright Phil?" I ask.  
"Huh? Oh eh yeah I'm fine, just erh, but tired." He says yawning.  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes Dan, relax I'm fine." 

And with that he goes back to constructing the bedside table. 

I feel awful, I'm the one doing this to Phil, it's all my fault. He doesn't need this, he just wanted to make some money and look after a nice normal guy, not me.

"OWWWWWW EHHHH AHHH" he screams suddenly.   
I see the thick blood pouring out of his arm, it makes me extremely uncomfortable for some reason.   
"Don't move I'll get you a bandage."   
Phil nods.  
I run to the kitchen and grab a wet cloth and the first aid kit.   
First I clean out Phils hand with the cloth and then put a large plaster over the gash and finally wrap a bandage around that.   
"You're good at this." Phil says calmly.  
"Thanks" I say and smile at him. "Maybe you should give the table a rest. It's 4pm and you still haven't had anything to eat today, I'll go make you some lunch."   
"Alright, I might take a nap." Phil says and heads off to his room. 

I settle for scrambled egg, which is pretty much the only thing I could make since we haven't gone shopping in days. Phil's fridge is filled with eggs, milk, lettuce and yogurt. Someone will have to go out. Phil looks really tired, maybe, I'll do it? It would be good for both of us! Yeah, I'll go out alone. 

Deep breaths dan.

I bring the food to Phil’s room, and brought him a cup of coffee. He was already falling asleep so I left him a note in the tray.   
I pulled a large blue hoodie over my head and took the credit card Phil gave me.

 

As soon as I have left the apartment a cold gush of wind hits my face and a few leaves fall around me, almost in a circle. There's a small corner store nearby so I should definitely be back before Phil can worry too much. I'll be fine anyway. 

A familiar face greets me as I walk into the shop, Annie. She's one of the people who work here, and she's always so nice to me. She’s a very warm and motherly figure. 

"Good afternoon Annie!" I say, taking a shopping basket.  
"Ah, Dan! G'afternoon chap. Where's your friend" she responds, packing the remainder items into someone's bag.   
I've never been here alone, that's where the question came from.   
"Wasn't feeling too well"   
Annie nods and goes back to talking to the other customer. 

I walk through the shop quickly picking up a few essential things. I end up with cereal, pasta, frozen pizza (totally essential), some vegetables some tomato sauce and chicken. By the time I get to the cash register Annie had already finished her shift.  
The new cashier is a short guy who looks like Justin bieber. :/

As I leave the shop rain begins to fall from the sky so I run back to the apartment. My hair is wet and back into it's gross curly form and my jeans and shoes are soaked. I place the shopping on a counter in the kitchen. "Phil?" I call out. There's no reply so I check Phil’s room, he's asleep.

He looks incredibly peaceful, his long black hair falling gently onto his eyes. I take the plate and wash it. I begin unpacking all the stuff into the cupboards and the fridge. Maybe I could finish the bedside table? That would be something nice I could do for Phil? Yeah, I’ll do that.

So I go to the living room and try my best at putting together the bedside table. It turns out not to be too difficult and I manage to finish just before Phil wakes up.   
“What you doing Dan?” Phil asks from the door pushing his hair back.  
“Oh I just finished the table.”   
“Oh wow really, thanks.Do you want to make some dinner?”  
“Ok.”

Phil and I make some spaghetti and eat it on the balcony.

 

“I’m not doing a very good job am I?” Phil asks looking down at his plate.  
“What do you mean?” I ask confused.  
“I’m doing shit at looking after you, take today, you had to go out and do the shopping while I was asleep in bed.”  
“Phil, I did that because I wanted to, and it’s my fault that you were so tired. I know that I’m needy and a handful-”  
“That’s not true Dan.” Phil says looking up at me. “You’re not ‘needy’.”

We both look away and continue to eat in silence. The entire time I feel my thighs and arms burning and tingling. My hands are shaky and my throat hurts. I tap my fingers nervously on the balcony floor. A slow rhythm echoes.

Tap  
Tap  
Tap Tap  
Tap  
Tap  
Tap Tap  
Tap Tap   
Tap Tap  
Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap-

“I’m going to head inside okay?” I croak.  
Phil looks at me with a sad look on his face. “Don’t do it” he whispers.  
“Don’t do what?” I laugh nervously, I know exactly what he means.   
“Dan, we’ve known eachother for a short period of time, but I know you enough.” he begins moving closer to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's get a bit more serious.
> 
> As you probably noticed I've been gone for hella long! I have recently moved country and school (against my will hahahahahhahahaha fun fun fun) settling in has been a handful you know. Honestly I have so much school work. I've been really busy and recently when I finally decided to get a grip and write Dan came out with his new video.   
> I was quite hesitant whether I wanted to continue this as the story does speak of similar themes, but this is an au and a story so I will try my best to keep writing :). See you in like probs 2 months! <3 <3


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorty, but I hope you enjoy!

“I see through the brave face, it’s okay for you to struggle. Just don’t pretend. Look into my eyes and tell me when something is wrong. I am here for you.”   
“Phil…”  
“You’re not lost on your own Dan. I’m here, and I’m here for you. I want to help you through, I will help you through. I will dry your eyes when you cry and pick you up when you fall. But you’re the one who has to walk this path, I can only help, I can’t walk your journey for you. It’s all up to you.”  
“I”m sorry.”  
“Stop with the apologies.” Phil chuckles.   
“Sor- Thanks!” I hug his hunched form. “We should go to bed.”  
“Alright.”

And so we do, Phil goes to his room, and I go to mine..

 

“Oi scumbag.” The shit that is my ‘biological father’ calls from the living room. My ‘mother’ is out of town for a week and so are most of my neighbour, so I’ve been preparing myself for hell. “What?” I say.   
The filthy oath gets up from his chair. “On your knees. Now.”   
I do as he says to save myself from any more pain than necessary.   
He grabs my hair and tugs forward, causing me to stumble. “Stay still.” He spits.   
He then starts fumbling about through my hair, as if he’s trying to find something. Suddenly I feel a lump of hair being ripped out of my head. I scream in pain. The oath kicks me away and throws the hair in the floor. “Dan?”   
“Dan?”  
“Dan?”   
“Da-

I wake up startled and find Phil above me. “What the hell Dan?!” Phil says. I’m extremely confused. Phil points down to my bedsheets, a clump of my hair lies there. “Whawahow?” I mutter confused. The roots of my hair sting in a curtain spot. I try to touch but Phil stops me. “Let me see”   
I lean forward and allow Phil to examine my scalp.   
“There’s definitely a chunk missing, and youre bleeding Dan.”   
“How the hell did I manage to do that?” I mutter in great confusion.   
“I’m not sure but let’s get you a cloth to wash the blood out.”   
“Ok”

Phil helps me up from the bed and I follow him to the bathroom where he begins cleaning the blood. He makes me sit down on a towel next to the shower. This is awfully familiar. 

“Alright, that’s good enough.” Phil says brushing his hand along my back in a circular motion.  
“Thanks”   
“Wanna help me make breakfast?”   
“Yeah sure.” I reply and we both leave the bathroom. 

We decide to go down the easy route and make cereal, so technically we’re not really making anything. We just chucked milk onto coco pops. Nevertheless we take our cereal into the living room and turn on an old episode of buffy. Just as the show is ending I actually get a call. Me. I get a call. 

It’s probably just Mrs.Lester, who else could it be. I pick the phone up but it’s not Mrs.Lester’s name that has popped up on the screen.

It’s my sisters?   
My hand wobbles over the phone and I notice Phil looking at m concerned in the corner of my eye. I press answer.   
“Hello.” I say quietly, surprised that k could even make any words leave my mouth.  
“Dan?!” A voice cries out.


	20. The missing piece - Chapter 20

“Hello?” I whimper. “Who is it?”  
“Dan? Dan! Please… I need your help. Please!Palm Street 071. Please Dan I’m scared and I need your he-“ the voice cries out and then cuts off suddenly. And I know the voice, I know the voice so well. Even though I didn’t recognise it at first. But how? How is that possible? I thought she was..  
“Dan who was that? What happened?” Phil asks calmly. It feels like all the energy is being drained out of me. “Phil. We need to go somewhere, please Phil.” I start crying.  
“What are you talking about? Deep breaths Dan please.”  
“Palm Street. Please.”  
“Alright let’s go.” 

Phil asks me to go get my coat and he checks something on his phone. He soon joins me at the door, and we set off. I don’t know how he plans for us to get there. I’m not even sure where the place is. But I need to get there, I need to be there.

Once we start walking down the pavement Phil holds my hand reassuringly. “Palm street is very close Dan, it’s going to be alright.”  
And sure enough, just as he said, I notice a street sign in just a few minutes. I let go of Phils hand and run. I have to find her. I owe this to her. 

I try to blink the tears away but they manage to escape my eyes, I don’t run for long before i feel a sharp sting in my ribcage. But, there she is. She’s changed so much, but she still has the same button nose and bright eyes. I run. She sees me.  
“Dan?”she cries out. I pull her into a hug, we don’t let go until Phil catches up with me.  
“Dan? Who’s this?” He asks wearily.  
“My sister, my little sister.”  
“Are you sure this is her Dan? I need you to be one hundred percent sure understand?”

I nod.  
“I”m very sorry but can we please get out of here.” Anie whispers.  
“Right yes ok. Ok let’s go.”

And we do, we go back the same way we came, down the slim cobbled road. I’m just so god damn confused! What does all this mean? Where was she? How did she contact me now?


End file.
